I'm a fool for thinking maybe he changed his mind. Nothing has changed. Thank gawd I didn't do anything stupid. I just feel silly for having those feelings & thoughts. Nothing has changed. I'm feeling emotional and just might cry a little.
Love hurts.
Can you really don’t need to feel stupid. We have all been there so many times and I’m sure many of us do even several years down the line. Just take it as part of the experience and use it to get you through next time. Heck I’ve been going through this now for over 3 years and I still catch myself thinking H might be changing his mind. It’s only natural when you love someone and especially when you know this could end with them wanting to come back. Please go easy on yourself. Sending hugs.
We all have felt the way that you did and then beat ourselves up for thinking that they've changed their minds. So, please don't beat yourself up...it's normal and that's why we need to detach as much as possible.
BTW, I like the suggestion that peacetoday gave you...next time...he stays at a hotel or w/a friend. He needs to learn and understand what separation and/or divorce are all about.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
~J~ I was so bitter/short/cranky today. That little hampster in my head was spinning. Being stuck with this roommate isn't the best either. He only cares about himself and D3. Nothing worse than being around someone that does not care about you. ROOMMATE ROOMMATE ROOMMATE.
D3 & I did our own things, early. I let her rule the day. He'd ask questions. I was short/crabby at first, but switch that off. He cooked late last night politely mentioned it, we should try. I have zero interest. He hasn't eaten what I made, plus I'm not interested. I thanked him for a favor he did. He tried to educate me on something I KNEW about, but he knows the BEST way (insert eye rolls here). I acted SO interested.
He says he followed up with phone calls I inquired about (I'm not authorized, or I'd do it). I made my calls. Now what. I think this isolation is getting to me. I reached out to friends & checked in. A day without a break from D3 is exhausting. She's great, but has her threenager moments. I'm use to it, but had a weak moment, took a deep breathe and carried on.
00 emails me throughout the day links read. I glance at them. Usually I've already seen them. I thank him sometimes.
Well, I'm talking in circles probably.
Nighty night (or good morning)
Last edited by CanBird; 03/31/2008:30 AM.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Can, I think its a thing. I've read a million threads about guys not eating what their wives cooked. I've offered OD food on several occasions and he will not take it. I think they believe we will poison them. He will sometimes take a bottled water from the fridge, but even that is rare.
~J~ I've missed days & mixed up my day count. Days of the week seem irrelavent, except for trash pick uo & water delivery.
We're okay. Just okay. I'm feeling depressed. I think D3 is goig through her own thing at times. I know 00 is too. I'm sure those with am mlc spouse at home can relate that being in lockdown is NOT easy. I want this pandemic to be over so we can truly move forward.
Yesterday I got overwhelmed with parent duties. I cried out for help, to 00. He's there! Why can't I talk to this other human in my house about my struggles? "Everyone is going through something." I cried to him that parenting can be a struggle, and he's here & I need to talk to other adult. And why not one in the house? I get our arrangement isn't ideal, but geez... if someone you once loved is struggling to cope, do you really just do nothing? After bringing up my struggle (not in those exact words), he wanted to help. Did't ask me what I needed, but let me know he'd help with D3 so I could refocus. I just needed to go outside. And we all did. He worked on getting us assistance with financial struggles, and I was on the sidelines GAL with D3, after I got my head on. Then I went shopping, as we needed it. He did dinner & night time routine with her. I did my own thing. And later he did his. No longer sneaking out at night, but just going outside late at night as if it was normal/okay/not caring. I DON'T CARE. But I do. He listens to podcasts & watches the news in there. But it hurts knowing he has been talking to her too. 99.9% sure.
So yes, 00 is still in contact with ow/xgf. 99.9% sure. (she's in EU) Being apart must make their struggle to be together even stronger, right? ... BARF.. Does she know we're NOT divorced? If so, I'msure he said something clever and NOT what he told me (.."it's like it never hapened"). (I search the county court system. Nothing filed).
IF there was a chance 00 had a change of heart, I'd be willing to work through things. What was once can be better a new? Crazy? Who knows.
Okay friends. Help me get back on track.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird, You are strong. You can do this. It is hard living with someone in MLC. I am doing it. Your H did help when you asked. That's something. Remember, they can't give what they don't have. He's so very lost. How can he give you the support, caring, love you need when you aren't giving it to yourself? Be kind to yourself. Remember, you can do this. You have been doing this.
Stop looking at him to get you back on track. I keep doing the same. I keep wanting my old H and M back, but it's gone. It's all gone. We have to face that. Even if they live in our home with us, they aren't the same. Even if sometimes it seems like we can see the old them in the current them... they are gone. Let him do what he needs to do.
Look in the mirror at yourself. Look directly in your own eyes. Tell yourself, "I love you. You will get through this. You are so strong. You are so amazing. You are enough." And believe every word. Do that multiple times a day if you must.
If you have other self care things you like to do, do them. Journal, pray, meditate, listen to music, write poetry, read poetry, look for inspirational quotes... or funny videos. But don't focus on him.
As job says, you didn't break him so you can't fix him. Be good to you... and your kids, of course. But if you need to cry, scream, or beat on things, go hide out and do that. Let the feelings out, then regroup and give yourself the love and kindness you wish he would give you. You have it to give in spades... so give it to YOU. Blessings
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
CanBird, You are strong. You can do this. It is hard living with someone in MLC. I am doing it. Your H did help when you asked. That's something. Remember, they can't give what they don't have. He's so very lost. How can he give you the support, caring, love you need when you aren't giving it to yourself? Be kind to yourself. Remember, you can do this. You have been doing this.
Stop looking at him to get you back on track. I keep doing the same. I keep wanting my old H and M back, but it's gone. It's all gone. We have to face that. Even if they live in our home with us, they aren't the same. Even if sometimes it seems like we can see the old them in the current them... they are gone. Let him do what he needs to do.
Look in the mirror at yourself. Look directly in your own eyes. Tell yourself, "I love you. You will get through this. You are so strong. You are so amazing. You are enough." And believe every word. Do that multiple times a day if you must.
If you have other self care things you like to do, do them. Journal, pray, meditate, listen to music, write poetry, read poetry, look for inspirational quotes... or funny videos. But don't focus on him.
As job says, you didn't break him so you can't fix him. Be good to you... and your kids, of course. But if you need to cry, scream, or beat on things, go hide out and do that. Let the feelings out, then regroup and give yourself the love and kindness you wish he would give you. You have it to give in spades... so give it to YOU. Blessings
Thank you (((B6 )))
Well said and 100% true! This of great help. Much appreciated.
Focus On YOU
*Mantra for my mirror*
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
feeling rather foolish. 
