MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Journal
This morning (super early), I tried to engage my spouse in conversation. I told him I missed his friendship. He says we talk, but I said I know he is struggling with things and I want to be there for him. He said he doesn't want to talk about it. Then I started to apologize for all the things I did in the past to hurt him. He said it's too early for that kind of talk so I rolled over at stopped.

But per usual, my mind was racing, my body felt like it had ants crawling all over and my heart was pounding out of my chest. Out of desperation, I texted one of my best friends and told her of the pain I was in and how I don't know what to do. I apologized that it was so early for this kind of venting and she sent this...
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My friend's text:
"Never be sorry. I am your sounding board and you are mine. You are safe with me. I understand and love you so very much. It seems impossible now...but the moment you go inward and plead with yourself to tell you what is wrong, to share your own feelings with yourself, to confide in you and still love you without judgement- that is the moment YOU become loved. And therefore loveable. Its almost like the person who cant get any dates until they are in a relationship, then suddenly EVERYBODY wants them. Lol. I have a feeling that once you fall in love with YOU- things will fall into place. We lose ourselves in our partners. Its not supposed to be that way. We are told, in a marriage, two become one. It sounds beautiful. In reality...the two are two. Independent of one another. And they create one thing: a relationship. Still...it consists of TWO people. Your future is not rooted in him. It is rooted in you. Not even your children. They have their own path...eventually, they, too will be their own force to reckon with. And that is so fricken awesome if you think about it! The kids will be okay ONLY if YOU are okay. You...are the source. You are. And you have every will and power to swim harder and detach. Let go so you can use both hands to swim to shore. He can swim too. He'll meet you there. I promise."
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There is a lot more and so much wisdom in her reminder and her words. I was going to share, but it is very long. Let's just say, she sees me. So much better than I have been seeing myself. I am going to do the work. Cut the spiritual tie as she says and swim. This way, when he comes back (trying to believe), I will be whole and it won't be two halves making one. It will be two whole people joining together to make a marriage.

I have a lot of hard questions to ask myself. A lot of things to really think about. We stopped sharing real goals. I allowed him to take the reigns in too many areas. I was subordinate in ways I shouldn't have been and took control in other ways that I shouldn't have. Roles were reversed in some areas and it changed me.

I want ME back.

More than I want to save him, actually. I can't save him. He can't save me. We must save ourselves first so that we can be good humans and strong parents for our kids.

I am so very blessed to have a friend like her. I knew, even just a day after DB, that this would be an opportunity and actually a blessing in disguise. I had fallen in love with myself and lost that live when I have been trying to win him back... before I realized he is in MLC and can't be won back.

If this didn't happen, I wouldn't be as real and honest with my friends as I have been these past months. I wouldn't be reaching out to so many as I have been. I was so absorbed in H and my family. I was pretending that life lived on a more shallow plane was ok. And for some days it really is. The highs and lows are too hard to navigate if you have to ride the highs/lows and do it multiple times a week. But we must be capable of dealing with painful feelings when they arise both in ourselves and in others... otherwise, we get to a place, much like our MLCer, where we don't know who we are anymore because we have forgotten how to listen.

So now I must stop always running away from my feelings and find out what the feelings are hiding from me. What is my mind trying to hide by flooding me with feelings? Lots to ponder and work through... It's a scary tough road. I wish us all strength and courage... and most of all LOVE... for ourselves, from God, from those in our lives.

Blessings