H just continues increasingly to swing back and forth between being super friendly/chatty/warm and bending angry/mean. It feels like we are back to the time right after BD. The difference being that I am in such a different place in terms of my ability to manager emotions and handle triggers. Last night was just really rough. I did ok, but it wasn’t my best DBing. It is so hard to stomach H continuing to throw the same old stuff in my face and blame me for everything, and reach for reasons to say that nothing has changed and it’s still the same old stuff between us. I know I should be be in a space by now where that doesn’t affect me. But I’m not, and it does. Everyone here is right that it doesn’t matter what you do or say. They feel how they feel. He can see all the fort I’ve put in to change things, he’s heard my apologies and validations. And he chooses to hang on to his anger at me and his belief that our relationship is unsalvageable because of me. I believe whole heartedly that the only reason we can’t salvage it is because he refuses to try to forgive the past. And it hurts so so so much. Last night H reverted to all his old behaviors, stonewalling etc and making it impossible for us to have the conversation he tried to start with me. At the end I wasn’t at my best. He said “all I want to do is walk out of here right now” and I said “you already did that 2 years ago”. And he said “yeah and it was a dream come true”. I left the room and he left.
He texted me immediately afterward that it was horribly mean and he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it. I waited a few hours and responded that “I wish I’d had the opportunity to heal the pain inside him that makes him want to hurt me badly enough to say that”. It may not have been good DB, but it felt real and it felt strong. I haven’t hurt like this in months.
