Affair Fog-LRT 3

[MrBrside]

Quick answer, so my D doesn't out to be like her mother and her grandmother. Why wouldn't I want the best for my D? I understand I can not control her but in one minute you talk about trauma leading to BPD and Narcissism. The next you say, who cares in your D mother is a drunk, selfish, cheater. With all due respect, you make no sense.

I totally get you want the best for your daughter - but you are still so tied up in emotion that you think the solution is to stay with a WW who doesnt love you, disrespects you and had mental health issues ?

I think you are fortunate that this happened while your daughter was 3. I have 3 daughters and my 5 year old was most affected by this. The 3 year old didnt really understand it. I would say D5 was / is traumatised, but what can i do ? - Simple - Be the best dad i can be and closely monitor. Being a good dad doesnt mean you need to stay in a relationship with a damaged individual. Look at the numbers ( lets say 10 years until D3 is 13 and can make her own mind up ) - Lets assume ( and i dont think your arrangements have been finalised yet ? , so its an assumption ) you do the 50/50 parenting. You get to be that great dad for 50% of her life. In that time you show nothing but love, support, strength, wisdom, dignity, fun, respect etc - you become the rock. When D is with you, you are always there for her. You do fun things together, you play with her and not par her off with a TV, you read / educate / do jigsaws - you have conversations etc.
You cant make up for the mother being a bad mother and just ignoring her, while she sits on her phone, but you can show her thats not the norm.. I say 10 years, but within 3 or 4 your D will know where she is loved / supported. You cant control how your WW treats her, but you can get some self respect and shine for D.. In 10 years you will be the cool dad that your D looks up to - the one who all her friends like and respect.. The one who all the other parents respect - You dont need to wave a flag saying "im a good dad" - People know who the good parents are.. Just visit the beach for the day after this blows over.. you will see 30% of parents engaging with their children - the other 70% ignoring them while they are busy on their phone, drinking beer, or sunbathing.

Lets Look at the alternative - WW calls it a day with other man and you take her back. You have made very few self improvements and any you did make will go out of the window once WW comes back, as regardless of all the advice here that is your primary goal ( not just yours, any new LBS ) - underlying issues arent fixed and you will settle for that.. WW will still not respect you and i suspect you will not work on self respect for fear of losing her again - if anything you will overcompensate with the love / fixing to keep her - D grows up in an enviroment where mum is disrespectful to father ( and maybe daugheter ) while she lives on her phone, ignoring D and father. You just want to keep the peace and dont want to risk losing WW again, hence will go with this dynamic - D will start to understand more and more as she gets older ( and IMO there is more risk of trauma ).. WW will eventually cheat again and this goes full circle - D is older now and will definetly understand more than when 3 and will be more traumatised than now - And repeat - idefinetly until you change the dynamic or WW actually finds "true love" with OM22 etc...

She may be beyond fixing, however, she has said numerous times she is "f'd up." She has said it to me, the MC, her BF's. She has said she has to figure her head out. Now, I realize these are just words. But if she really goes back to IC, and I mean for a while, then why wouldn't I want that? And that would be behavior, not words.

She could go back 10 or 100 times.. Unless you make the changes as well no amount of IC will make her respect you. You need to work on yourself as well


You will find no advice better than this site - stick with it. Once them rose tinded glasses break you see a whole new world