a new normal

[may22]

But I also think it is a good idea to make decisions based on what is best for you, and what you want, without second guessing what your H will do or say or make of it. You know him, sure, but basing your own actions on what you imagine he might say or do next is fruitless at best, and manipulative - even if meant with the best heart - at worst.

I'm not basing my actions on what I think he would say or do-- I was more just trying to lay out there where I think he is in all of this, and all things he's said to me directly over the last couple of months. The only place I think I'm trying to mindread is to assess his interest in more romantic/sexual behaviors, which I think is complicated by the past SSM and so may not be as straightforward as just letting him initiate if he's interested. (Plus, if I am focusing on what *I* want... this is a big part of what I do want, for me. I mean we are locked in here, right?!? Might as well make the best of it! )

Anyway, I do think to the extent I can, letting all this worry about the A and what questions he has or hasn't answered (and when he will or won't be ready to address them) go is best for now, through this whole lockdown situation. I can't make him be ready to talk about it and I can only control my own actions and thoughts-- so focusing on being grateful for what we do have and how fortunate we are in this entire situation is where I want to be.

I feel like I was able to successfully do this when we were in that crazy limbo in January and it was really good for my peace of mind-- so if I can find that same place now, I think it will be good for me again. And the truth is that I *am* so, so grateful for where I am right now, even in the midst of this worldwide crisis. This time with the children and together as a family is a gift, even as I feel some guilt that I can take joy from this situation that is so devastating for others. I just read Wayfarer's post on Core's page about refocusing on the self and not trying to control or change the other person's behavior, or getting impatient because your S isn't on your same timeline-- that was really helpful for me. WF, you are so good at this!