Help with WW #3

[sandi2]

I'm sure a lot gets left out whenever you write an update, especially trying to recall conversations. I'm wondering if she has the wrong idea about what part you play. Are you leaving out something important in Sunday's update post? I'm leery of her keeping you on the sidelines while she goes back & forth with OM. I mean, how can you support her if she's wanting space "to sort things out"? She can't have it both ways.

At any time, did you make it clear that the affair had to die a sudden death? No last meetup with OM, no face-to-face goodbyes, no final date........no nothing. Was anything said about a transparency plan? Did she even ask what YOU would need from her?

She said she couldn't believe how well I now understand her and that she wants my support in cutting off OM. She said she needs to arrange her support network too because she knows she'll find it difficult to give up OM but she wants to,

Not absolutely sure what she means in how well she sees you understanding her, now. She should be much more specific in what she means by wanting your support in cutting off OM. Neither do I know what she means by arranging her support network. I think I have a good idea, but not positive. These cannot be friends who like to have girls night out where they behave like GGW. Any "new" friends who have shown up right before or during her affair with OM, shouldn't qualify for the job. Her support network should not be a group of women negatively discussing marriage, husband bashing, or talking in favor of single life, taking more time to decide. which guy she wants, etc. She doesn't need women who are going to tell her about seeing OM somewhere, yada, yada. B/c that type of talk entices her cravings. She'll want to know how he looked, was he with anyone, etc., etc. See what I mean? She can't see photos of OM, or see his posts on social media, etc. She literally has to be cut off from hearing about him through someone else, hearing his voice, seeing him pass by in a car........anything & everything. She has to do the work. It's fine to have a support team, as long as they fully support this M and they are fully aware of their job.......and she doesn't expect them to do her part.

Should I be helping her with withdrawal?

First things first. How can you help her, if the two of you haven't reconciled? You aren't living together, and she hasn't committed to doing the work to save the MR. Nobody can go through the withdrawal process for her. I could give some tips on ways to encourage her, and hold her accountable........but until she decides to all necessary work to save her M, how can you support her? Maybe she's trying to find the right road, but she's not following a map. From what I gather in your post, she is using you like one of those friends in her support network. I realize her feelings are confused, but that's why it's important that she makes a decision from her free volition, rather than emotion. First, she has to make the right decision to honor her marriage/husband and follow through with the right action. Then her emotions will catch up sometime down the road. The problem with most WW's is depending on her emotions to make decisions. Emotions are designed to respond.......not think. The WW is afraid she'll never be happy if she stays with her H. Well, she can't feel love or happiness with her H, if she has OM on the side. So, first things first.

She said how upset she's been and that she's made a lot of mistakes and how sorry she is. She said there was no chance of this ever happening again because she never wants to feel like she has again.

I don't say this to nit-pic, but to use to teach. And..... I'm not there to see her face or hear her voice. I think some WW's try to put their infidelity down as a "mistake". It's more than just a mistake. My belief system says it's a sin, but that may not be true for everyone else. It was terribly, terribly wrong......with several other wrongs wrapped along with the infidelity. Betrayal, deceit, etc., are all part of it. I say this to remind LBS's not to let the wayward spouse get off too easily.......and they will get off easy, if you allow it. That's why you've got to know your terms of reconciliation. Neither of the two sentences in the above quote carry weight. They are just words. Without a solid recovery plan......there's a good chance she'll be guilty of adultery again.

I was a bit surprised but just stayed calm and collected, validating, while telling myself it's only words not actions.

What did you say to validate her?

Perhaps the major change is that she's now told me how she feels about OM and her still being in contact with him which she said she was scared to tell me because she had been lying about that for a while and thought she'd lose me.

This is why I am unsure what she means. Does she see you being her BFF, telling you all about her feelings for OM while she tries to taper off contact with him? IDK, that's why I'm asking you. I could be reading it wrong.

Women's Infidelity (after reading Sandi's threads), what a great book.

Although the timing played an important part, that book did scare me. If I remember correctly, my mentors had already laid some vitally important foundation, and that book just finished it off. I did not want to end up like the last woman in the book's illustration.

Originally Posted by CWarrior

Originally Posted by OS2
Does the WW go back to normal over time?

What you experienced as "normal" ended like this--so I hope not! The future would just repeat itself. If you R successfully, by the time you R, one of you or probably both of you, will undergo real changes.

This is so true, and deserves a place in the quotes thread. I think if we get through this we'll be on marriage #2 and we'll be starting again as two entirely different people with a different relationship dynamic. And if not I'll be far more understanding and a better partner for my next relationship.

Getting through "this" is not the end, but the beginning. The mistake people make about marriage is settling for normal. When we accept things as "normal", we stop working to have better. If we want a good MR, we cannot go back to our previous normal.

The problem I have in seeing the relationship as marriage #2 is how easily things get swept under the rug. I haven't seen a LBH, yet, who isn't eager for things to return to normal. Yes, I agree that a couple doesn't want to remain stuck in the past and dwell on the negative, but I can't stress enough how important it is to work through the issues that caused the problems in the first place. The fact that wayward spouses see marrying a new person so much easier than working on the current M.........should be enough ground for caution. I fully get what you are saying. Just hope LBH's get what I'm saying, too. I wish it was that easy, and I tend to think it's much easier for a young couple who haven't been together as many years.

To answer your question about the WW going back to normal, I believe she can change for the better. I may appear normal to others who know me, but I know I am better than I was prior my WW days. It didn't "just happen"..........like a great MR doesn't just happen. It takes hard work. I'm here to tell everyone that your MR can heal and be happy again. The WW has a tremendous amount of inner work ahead of her. Without the work, the MR may never get much better after ending her affair. The couple may settle into a routine, but they aren't truly happy. That's why I stress that there's more to it, than simply reconciling. Don't be like the guy who only sees getting his WW back as his goal. That's only a step, not the goal.