I haven't posted in awhile, but I miss the support of the forum.
I filed for D last month. To be honest it was long overdue. We have been in mediation but it was moving verrrrry slowly, one session per month, barely dealing with the first of many issues. We may still continue with mediation, possibly L-assisted. I've taken other steps to stand up for myself during this process. My anxiety has been through the roof at times, and I see the impact of these changes on my kids, but ultimately I feel a sense of relief. I could not keep living the way I have been for the last 9 months.
I get a lot of blowback from my STBXW, but none of what I am asking for is unreasonable. I keep telling myself that. She just doesn't like it, it's a huge change for her. I struggle a lot with this, since I don't like upsetting people, but if I keep letting that instinct run my life I will be miserable. She gets frustrated that I am not abiding by verbal agreements we made when we first separated, and I point out we need to change those agreements and get them in writing, but it gets nowhere.
One major realization has been that my STBXW was quite ill-informed about the D process. For all her accusations with legally problematic language the past year, and the personal emotional turmoil I went through as a result, it's clear she probably did no more than a 30minute L consult. This has become a problem in mediation, because she does not have a L, and hence is not well-informed about the process. The pandemic is obviously affecting many things as well.
It's also a really confusing time for me. I don't understand exactly how things fell off the rails. I know I won't ever get that closure, but the desire to have it remains. Sometimes I wonder if she knew the impact the D would have if she would have made more of an effort to work on the MR. I guess I'll never know. Maybe it's best that she didn't. It's really disappointing to see the impact on my kids right now.
