Help with WW #3

[OS2]

Thank you LH/AS/CW/Sandi, you've been helping me stay sane and on track.

After having been NC since the weekend W came over last night wanting to update me. No actions yet, but her conversation was entirely about the future and what she wanted to do, cutting out OM, making the M work for good and getting back together. She said she couldn't believe how well I now understand her and that she wants my support in cutting off OM. She said she needs to arrange her support network too because she knows she'll find it difficult to give up OM but she wants to, and she's putting it off because she knows how difficult and hurtful she will find it. Should I be helping her with withdrawal? She also told me about the times she's tried to end it with him already and from a few comments she made I think a few cracks are beginning to show too. She said how upset she's been and that she's made a lot of mistakes and how sorry she is. She said there was no chance of this ever happening again because she never wants to feel like she has again.

I was a bit surprised but just stayed calm and collected, validating, while telling myself it's only words not actions. It's also just how she feels today, and I need consistency over the long term. Things have changed so rapidly day to day/week to week I have to remain focused and ride out the long term view. I do have a feeling something might have changed though, whether that's my withdrawal, looming D, less-bothered attitude or just her taking time I don't know. Perhaps the major change is that she's now told me how she feels about OM and her still being in contact with him which she said she was scared to tell me because she had been lying about that for a while and thought she'd lose me.

I've changed a lot through this too, and think I'm finally handling everything stronger and more calmly than before. Perhaps saying goodbye to her parents, moving her things out and preparing for a D have helped with that mentality too. She said she hasn't been able to cut OM out on her own so far, and asked me where she could get support from. I said she could lean on friends and read about affairs to validate her emotions, and said it's an addiction and it's helpful to rationalise feelings and not act on them - and it's brain chemistry that's driving the addiction. Tempted to recommend here (bad bad idea) or particular books but not a good idea either right?

I've been working on myself, enjoying my own company and have read quite a few books recently including Women's Infidelity (after reading Sandi's threads), what a great book. There are so many things about our M that I now understand far better. I wish I'd read up on relationships after getting married (or preferably before). I don't want to stop now on understanding relationships (and the opposite sex) better, it's obviously an area I can improve on.

Does the WW go back to normal over time?

What you experienced as "normal" ended like this--so I hope not! The future would just repeat itself. If you R successfully, by the time you R, one of you or probably both of you, will undergo real changes.

This is so true, and deserves a place in the quotes thread. I think if we get through this we'll be on marriage #2 and we'll be starting again as two entirely different people with a different relationship dynamic. And if not I'll be far more understanding and a better partner for my next relationship.