a new normal

[may22]

Hi Alison,

'I'm committed to making our marriage work and that means attending MC together and working towards you giving me full disclosure on your infidelity and us developing our sexual relationship. I'm making an appointment for us later this week.'

I like how you've framed this. I know if I said this he'd say yes, let's go-- he's had no problem with going to the MC, but right now just doesn't want to talk to him alone unless I want him to (in which case he said he'd do it). We can't both do it right now with the lockdown.

I know that he would want to add his own things he wants to work on/through with the MC, which seems fair. The things he's brought up in the past that he wants to work on with the MC would be understanding why he did this in the first place (which the MC has steered us away from, saying right now he doesn't think it is helpful to focus on the past) and his own feelings about the SSM and why I didn't want sex with him for all those years (which, to think of it, the MC has also steered us away from, for the same reasons. Maybe the MC is trying to make us sit in the discomfort of where we are right now and in his own way is challenging H to at least acknowledge that I'm not OK. He's used the term trauma and said it is normal for me to have these questions and feelings, while at the same time acknowledging that H isn't ready to open up in that way at this point.)

I can pretty much guarantee if I said I wanted to work on us developing our sexual R in MC, he'd say OK but he still harbors anger towards me for it, and some level of frustration over me now wanting sex *now.* I think we both also want to re-develop how we make decisions together such that we both feel heard-- I feel like this is going quite well right now, but maybe we are both being especially solicitous of the other right now and I doubt that will last forever. He also has said in the past that I either have more control in our R or want to control him in our R, and when we get to the other side of all of this I want to have dealt with these kind of dynamics too, whether or not they were related to his infidelity.

However. For me, I want to deal with the infidelity questions now because I'm still angry and hurt about it, and I feel like if I let it sit for awhile and then dig back into the wound, it will hurt more than just ripping the bandaid off/cleaning out the pus now. The MC challenges me on this, says I don't know how I'll feel in the future and I also need to accept that H is simply not on my timeline for this part. H *is* willing to work on other parts of our R, like communication, teamwork, support for each other, connecting-- just doesn't want to talk about the A right now. Do I feel strongly enough that my questions need to be answered NOW enough to draw that as a boundary line, and we don't work on anything until he's at that place? I don't know. I don't think so.

Given the situation with lockdown, your boundaries may look practically different, but perhaps putting a time-limit on it in your mind might help?

We do have at least another month of lockdown where we live, probably longer. Maybe my timeline is to give it this month without pushing on the conversations, maybe not going to MC, and once we get on the other side of the lockdown see where he is in terms of opening up about the A. We also have this big trip planned for July, and I definitely feel like on the other side of THAT, which will be more than the six months the MC originally told me to chill for-- if H isn't ready then to dig in and be transparent, then I question it ever happening. Maybe that is my time limit.

Because you have pulled back recently, do you think H is worried all over again that you have lost interest and is fearful of you rejecting him all over again? I think you did a great thing telling him you wanted sex...and you got a response. Does he need that reassurance from you that you’re not going to reject him?

Pommy, I thought a lot about this. The last couple of nights it has felt like maybe... but then I didn't really make a move. Last night, though, it felt like maybe, maybe, maybe, he didn't initiate, then as we lay in bed I finally said "I can't sleep" and touched his arm and that was all it took. It really felt like he was waiting for me to make the first move because he totally pounced on my tiny little move. Anyway, I'm glad I did it and it really does help us both to feel more connected. I feel like we're moving more from the straight physical just sex from January into something more connected, though of course that could just be how I feel. But he does little things that are sweet and caring that definitely feel more romantic than before. It is all just moving so slowly.

With all this going on, I wonder if for my own mental health trying to take a break from worrying about it and just BE, be grateful for all that I have and my family has right now is the best route?