Perils of piecing - thread 8

[may22]

[I think my new 180 is to let Eldest and H work things out between themselves. They have a pretty terrible relationship at the moment and they both like to blame me for that. I guess the more I get in the way, the more they can take things out on me or expect me to improve things rather than looking at their own conduct. So I am stepping back entirely. It's also an act of self preservation: I am extremely stretched and stressed right now (as is everyone during this crisis) and I don't have any mental bandwidth for dealing with H's immaturity and Eldest's teenage tantrums.

Hi Alison, I think this is a good call. In some sense, you stepping into their difficulties is enabling both of them to continue without acknowledging the other person or taking a look at their own behavior-- it all becomes a reflection of what Mom said or did or thinks. Not having teens I don't have any experience with that dynamic, but at least in general my only caution would be that it may get worse before it gets better between them, and it may be really difficult for you to continue to stay out of it. I think that you framing this for yourself as self-preservation to not get involved could really help you in this, but I do think you might need to steel yourself for some worse behavior from both of them before they can start to really listen to each other and work it out. (Also... do you think they have the tools to succeed at this? Not that that would change your approach, but just wondering how likely they are to be successful at working this out alone.)