Sounds like you did a great job Alison and your message was received. Good for you. I completely agree with you. Parenting changes as kids age...it is supposed to. Your job when they are younger is to be the teacher and external control agent. And once they reach a certain age, your job is to be more of a guide and advisor and hopefully, if they have learned what you have taught them, the “control” comes from inside of them. This is a hard transition for some parents to make but it is a developmental necessity and the next step towards becoming a functional adult. I think you did exactly what you needed to do. Eldest and H will figure it out. (((HUGS)))
I think we've both struggled with changing our parenting in different ways. I do think I have done too much for Eldest, been too protective of him - he does have health challenges but he could and should be more independent than he is - and have excused some poor attitude and choices that he really should have had consequences for. I haven't treated him as a young man in that respect and that has needed to change: my 180s on this are in progress, but not yet as consistent as I'd like them to be. H struggles with a similar challenge, but he tends to be very critical, micro-managing, not picking his battles, not allowing Eldest much autonomy and laying out punishments as if Eldest is a child - and that also needs to change.
I think my new 180 is to let Eldest and H work things out between themselves. They have a pretty terrible relationship at the moment and they both like to blame me for that. I guess the more I get in the way, the more they can take things out on me or expect me to improve things rather than looking at their own conduct. So I am stepping back entirely. It's also an act of self preservation: I am extremely stretched and stressed right now (as is everyone during this crisis) and I don't have any mental bandwidth for dealing with H's immaturity and Eldest's teenage tantrums.
