My XW did something similar and I had to discuss the situation and provide the documented proof of our agreement. It took a while to sort out. Just have to roll with it; you know it will be fine.
Kids to need to lash out, they have a lot of frustration and loss to deal with. We, the sane parent, usually get the brunt of it all. We get double, since kids cannot risk losing their other parent. All my kids, at first, vented their anger at me. Yes, when we get in between the relationship of them and their Mom, they do direct their venting at us.
A lot of the kids’ frustration is at the loss of control; just like us. Ensure your daughter it is ok, let her express herself. Demonstrate that she controls herself, and not her Mom or anyone else for that matter. Maybe letting her know she has choices would help. At 14 one of those choices is visiting or not, sleeping over or not.
Things do look different to our children when they are visiting with the knowledge they could leave or say no. They are not just a pawn, or just a kid who has to do whatever is said. Of course that comes with a big helping of responsibility for them too. I tend to believe that is good. Our children are a lot more, than we sometimes give them credit for.
I suspect that your daughter would find her voice and speak up to her Mom. The wasting her life for two and a half days kind of thing. She probably would continue the staying over and visiting, and move forward along her path of healing.
She, you, no one can make her Mom be a better Mom. We can just be better ourselves. We control us. That’s a hard lesson to learn. And really good when learnt at such a young age.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
