a new normal

[may22]

Thanks, Cardinal and Wooba... glad I can be helpful in any little way!

Pommy... At the advice of the MC I wrote down my primary questions and went over them with him last week. He recommended not getting too deep into details on the physical part and I said I no longer want details on the emotional part-- both not really helpful for me at this point. What I do want to know is how they communicated, if he ever saw her outside of her city and another one that he told me about, where and when; and what mementos does he have of their R (the Spotify playlists for instance, still technically following her on IG though I know he is never on it)-- but does he have letters from her? Emails? Gifts? I want to know what they are (and then destroy them )

MC had some initial suggestions, like I give my written list to H and he can answer them when he is comfortable. H did not like that-- felt it was too formal. H doesn't even know my questions at this point besides the "how did they communicate" one and gets so uncomfortable that it is dropped in MC and I haven't even brought up outside of MC-- I've brought up that there are questions I want answered but not what they are. MC said in our 1-1 last week that we need to get to a point where H hands me a bunch of blank checks that represent questions I want answered and I can turn them in and he answers them. But we are so far from that... I am not seeing when it happens yet at this point.

Re the sex-- I think it is possible that H has interest, sometimes, that he isn't acting on because of that fear. I can sense it sometimes but it feels so tentative like it is better to let it start to grow on its own rather than give it too much attention and risk him pulling back altogether... like a tiny little flame that could get blown out if you aren't careful. I think he knows intellectually that I have desire for him but you're right in that I don't know that he feels that emotionally. And I'm not really ready to talk about it too much with him right now if we can't talk about the other parts of the A and address all of that. I'm not sure if half-hearted sex is helpful right now or harmful, do you know what I mean?

Maybe best to just keep on the track of trying to connect where we can as much as possible and being grateful for the fact that we are where we are in the midst of all this craziness. It could be sooooooo much worse. Honestly even if our R was like it was before the A we'd probably be having more difficulties with the quarantine situation than we are right now and our communication (except for in/re the A) is a lot better because we've been working on it.

He had a call with his IC this morning, and I asked him if he wanted to talk to the MC this week... he said to be honest not really, but would if I wanted him to. I'm not so sure if it makes sense to continue right now or just take a break (unless things change). I'm not really super interested in another solo session with him, and with the kids it will definitely be complicated for us to talk to him together, though I'm sure we could make it work if necessary. Any thoughts?