MLC newbie

[DnJ]

Hello B6

I agree with the others. You’ve had the big conversation, now let it go, and do not bring up OW or R. You apologized, said you’re sorry, now let that go. Pick yourself back up and keep moving forward.

I would suggest less brutal honesty. Just honesty, don’t need the brutal part. One can be honest and sincere, while respecting and considering the other person’s feelings and emotional state.

Turn your focus back upon yourself. Dig for patience. Do your inner work, and make any changes permanent.

The LBS does seek to understand. So it follows we try to help our spouse understand. However, they do not want to, and are not in a place to understand. Remember emotions rule their life right now. He feels negative towards you. Your best course is to focus on you so his feelings don’t get reinforced and can eventually start to alter.

I wonder, do we continue to go through grief when they finally move out? Then the same process if there is a legal separation or divorce? Do we keep having to cycle through grief? When do we get to feel peace?

Grief takes as long as it takes. It will be over right when it is over, and not a second sooner.

When your spouse moves out, it triggers another spike of grief and pain. So does legal separation and divorce. Those are all bumps along the path to acceptance.

Do you have to cycle through it. If you want a healthy outcome - yes! However, one can get stuck in a stage of grief and exist there for a long long time. For example - denial. Unaware and unable to face what is and has happened. Not a great place to live out one’s days. Likewise getting stuck in anger or depression. I’m sure you’ve seen some people who are living angry depressed lives that are less than accepting of their lot.

So yes. Cycle though your grief. You will bounce back and redo various bits and pieces of each stage. Not everything is acknowledged within you at once, therefore not everything proceeds at the same pace. And somethings take longer than others. Don’t worry grief is healthy and perfectly normal - it’s a very good sign of healing.

Feeling peace. Hmmmm. It is a slow process to find your piece in all this. One pushes back denial and sees their pain and loss. Not all of it - there is too much to see all the first go around. Hence the cycles.

Anger takes place. A normal reaction to the emotional pain now seen. It can be short lived or a fire storm of emotions. Depends on the person and their experiences.

During bargaining we make deals. Offers to just let everything go back to how it was. Kind of like you did a couple of posts ago. Take that as a good sign. An other step closer to acceptance.

We bargain with our spouse, with God, with ourselves. The bargaining with ourselves is the big one. After bargaining doesn’t yield the results we want, depression sets in.

Depression hits, and hits hard. It sinks us low. GAL! Focus on you! Just keeping moving forward through the quagmire and get to the other side.

Depression feels like a pit. Lots of people reach their hands down to help pull you out. Others, like me, climb down and lock our finger together to give you a foothold. Your job is to put your foot in to the waiting step, and reach up to the hands. You decide to climb out when your ready. It doesn’t happen fast, and we all have been there and know that. From my experience, this is a pretty compassion bunch of folks around here. So again, there is no rush, just keep moving forward.

Acceptance is reached. That emotional understanding. Bits and pieces of our emotional pain accepted, while other bits and pieces are scattered among the various stages.

Eventually we find ourselves mostly in acceptance. This is true for most of the stages. None have definite boarders or delimitations. The stages of grief are traversed in a more nebulous fashion.

Acceptance does bring a much end to the denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Yes, peace is a usual outcome. In my opinion and experience keeping a compassionate and kind view pays handsomely later on. Choose better not bitter.

I know. Our own emotions are a choice based on our thoughts, right?

Our emotions are Influenced by our thoughts. Emotions are based on our irrational minds, the pressures, triggers, attachments, stimulus, etc... and in no small part our beliefs.

Our thoughts and our physical actions are the only things we have direct control of. Thoughts and physical actions influence emotions and beliefs. For example - smile. Right now. Smile. See how you felt better. Now frown. Feels worse doesn’t it.

Our physical actions have a direct influence upon our emotional state. Our thoughts do as well.

The converse is also true that our emotions and beliefs do influence our thoughts and actions. Not control them, influence them. However, consistent efforts of our thoughts, the mental assertiveness, does yield changes. Decide what, who, and how you want to be. Then do it. It’s the inner work. The finding our beliefs and strengthening and altering. The true foundation to the peace you are seeking. It comes from within you.

Forgiveness is another noble and lofty goal to head towards. It is completely achievable, and without a doubt for you. Forgiveness is for you.

Forgiveness really pulls everything together. Compassion, understanding, empathy, acceptance - it lives within our beliefs. It is a way of life. Peace? Oh yes, very much so.

B6, you are somewhere along your path. Your grief will end. It lasts both shorter and longer then you think/feel it will.

There are no ways to speed up our grief. Our emotions find acceptance and we find our peace. It takes time. (((Hugs)))

DnJ