Thank you, job. It is so necessary to be able to vent here in these times especially! I really appreciate your rational responses. I was already on a walk and was able to talk to my mom. I take lots of walks now to get out of the house. I called the landlord too and said that we appreciate her gesture and that no matter what happens with H, I plan on staying. I also asked her to keep both of us in the loop. She wished me luck and said let's revisit this in 6 months. They really are amazing landlords, and I can't believe H was upset about it. But you're right--that's less fun money for him and more reality.
Since I got back from the walk H has been extra friendly and chatty, acting like nothing is weird. I acted normal as well. How can he think it's normal to bring up D, then not go on to explain where he is in the process of D or what he envisions once the world is back to normal? Or why he hasn't filed when he said he wouldn't wait until after Christmas? It's mind-boggling. I'm working on accepting it. I know that he isn't rational, but it again doesn't sink in fully when he seems so rational in other ways.
I appreciate the friendliness because I don't want to go back to angry, cold H, but it's also feels like he's being friendly because none of this really bothers him. He doesn't love me. I don't fully believe it, because I can remember what it was like before. But that doesn't matter in the face of his conviction otherwise. D is just another bargaining chip with our landlord--or maybe he just felt like telling someone new because he's stir-crazy. Sometimes I think he has to think he's taking action.
And job, what you say about the state of the world is so true. Maybe he is scared somewhere inside. So many people are dying, and there's no hiding from the fact that life is always fragile and tenuous, and even moreso now. I'm still grieving hard over the loss of our M--the grief seems fresh again because life is so short. It makes me want to reach out to the people I love, including H and his mom. I'd already been missing him and even his mom when I woke up this morning. But H instead brings up D.
MLC, breakdown, crisis. I don't know. I guess it all seems like they will never come back until they actually do start to come back. I have to outlast. But this pandemic makes me even more sad and impatient.
