MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Journal...
And so it gets worse. After our talk, my SIL texted me to check in. She hasn't done that in weeks. I thought my H had told her about me listening in. So I called her and explained what I did. It's the guilt thing. I have to confess and ask for how I can make amends. She was upset but says she understood because of the lack of trust. It still hurt her.

But because I told my H total honesty, I told him. He was upset I told her as he wouldn't have said anything to her. I told him I thought because he had been sharing things with her that he would tell her. Apparently he is still avoidant in his communication style. So I guess I did a bunch of wrong things today.

Tomorrow is a new day. I owned up to it. I told him I'm sorry. He called his sis and didn't share anything of what came of that. I told him at dinner before the kids joined that I am sorry. He said it's fine. I told him I know it's not, but I am really sorry.

He didn't comment. But now he's been avoiding me. He's playing video games. He's been doing that for a long time now. Maybe a year and a half of many nights just being in his office playing games and doing his own thing. It used to only be a couple nights a week, now it's been every night. I guess I shouldn't expect anything different.

We are where we are. Right now I'm not sure if sheltering in place is a good thing or not. Sometimes I think not. Others, I'm wondering if it would have hastened him to ask for D or at least a separation.

I don't know how I feel about that. Everything right now outright terrifies me.

I did a few things for myself today. Went out and took pics and am learning the ukelele. That made me feel like I am trying to be more than I was. I just need to work on my emotional stability and my perceptions. Oh that's all?

That's really everything. My mental and emotional state is driving so many things. Please pray for me or talk to the universe. I need help changing me because I can't change anyone else. Blessings!