MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Journal
OMG. I totally screwed up. I feel like I want to throw up. So I decided earlier that I wouldn't say anything to H about my suspicions about the ow. But I got to talking to a girlfriend who was checking in and I told her my suspicions and that the ow bday was yesterday. I told my friend that I was thinking my H found a way to meet her last night and that he probably got her a present. My friend asked me if I checked Amazon. I told her I hadn't. But then I decided to check. Of course, nothing in the orders, but I checked the browsing history and saw that he had looked at a present that I know he got her before.

I just couldn't not confront him so I went to see him in his office. I told him what I saw in the browsing history and that when we were attending MC, we had agreed to be brutally honest. He said he didn't remember looking for that but ok. I said it was in there. He said he believed me.

I asked him if he was thinking about her and why he was looking at the gift. He admitted that he had been thinking about her. I asked, "what were you thinking?" I know I shouldn't have. He said he wasn't going to discuss that with me. When this first came out 5 months ago, he told me so much. I guess now, it's all off limits?

Anyway, he said the gift I saw was one that I had made the ow return. She was our friend and I asked for it to be returned. He said he always thought it was hers and she should have it. But he claims he didn't buy it. So I asked again for brutal honesty and told him my suspicions about him meeting up with her. He told me that he hadn't. That he hasn't been in contact or seen her at all. I know, it's probably a lie, but he was looking directly into my eyes.

He then asked me a question, I was praying he wouldn't ask. He asked if I've ever listened in on his conversations and I admitted I had. He said he knew it. I told him I'm not able to anymore and the one time I did, was only for a few minutes. I then explained that the reason I listened in was that he wasn't telling me anything. He'd stopped communicating with me and I knew he was hiding things. This was after he seemed to be trying then did a complete 180 and stopped everything back in mid-feb.

I told him I wasn't sorry I listened because it helped me to see what he was truly feeling. That he was planning to wait until I got a job to make any decisions. He said he hadn't made any decisions at that point. He got even more and more upset as we kept talking about this and then he said, he's done with our marriage.

I then got totally desperate. I begged him to give it more time. I asked him to wait to make any decisions. We've had going on 25 years together and most of it was good.

When I asked why he changed his mind back in mid-Feb, he said because he thought about it and his life was just not anything he thought it would be. I said, what about this life? The kids, the house, our friends, the life we made? He said, no not everything... but his job and his relationship. I asked him if he remembered that we had a good marriage up until a year ago. He agreed that for the most part, yes, he was happy with our marriage.

But now he doesn't have privacy. He feels trapped. When I asked about the whole "fake" thing he thinks of me, he says when you've been with someone as long as we have and you've never heard a certain tone of voice, it appears fake. I said, well you told me that you aren't judging me on my past when I was talking and now you admit that you were. Do you see why I told you that you were judging me on my past actions?

We both need to change, I told him. We are both changing and this is something we need to be open to. Can you at least please wait to see where our changes lead? He very reluctantly agreed. I admit to crying and begging. I know that I reversed so much today.

I told him we need to learn how to be more honest with each other. That if he has resentments, bitterness, or hard feelings about past things I've done, I want to hear them. Maybe that's another mistake. Probably is, but the rate he's been going, he won't share any of that anyway. I told him we at least need to be able to talk. He said, why? you have your friends who you talk to all the time and I'm sure it's about me and us. I told him when I talk to my friends it's mostly about what I am trying to work on for myself and how I'm trying to deal with things.

He's always been concerned with how people view him. On one hand, he says he doesn't really care what people think. But on the other, he cares that he still looks like the great husband, friend, father. I think all this messes that up since I did (he did with a couple too), tell a good number of our friends about the affair. But as I stated in another post, I have really cut off from talking to most of them. I only have friends who aren't associated with him or 3 other really good friends which are mostly my friends who I share this with.

I am not going to stop talking to my friends just because he is angry about that. But that could be another reason he won't want to stay and work on us.

Honestly, I wish I never listened in. I wish I never gave away I listened as I must have done in some of my other conversations with H, not sure how he figured it out, but he says he suspected. I guess brutal honesty does work both ways. I couldn't lie. When he looked at me, I just had to admit it. Maybe that will bite in the @$$ later on, but so be it.

I keep feeling that my marriage is supposed to work out, but I don't know. I am terrified. Filled with anxiety, fear and panic. I know I should have been prepared for him to tell me he's done. But I just wasn't and I still am not. I guess I have a lot more work to do on this aspect of MLC - detachment, letting go...

Apparently, even if he's not lying about seeing the ow, he is still in limerence with her. How can I compete with that? Even if he claims he wasn't in love with her, he wants that allure. He wants that simplicity. I just don't know where to go from here.

I eventually did tell him how sorry I am for everything. For betraying him by sharing our story with family and friends (not all but enough) on both sides. For all the hurt i've caused him including by invading his privacy.

I am looking for other ways to understand MLC, my part in this, and how to heal. I am still going through the phases of grief...
I'm all over the place, I know. It's the panic and anxiety. I once again wish I could sleep and never wake up. But I know that's not really me. I want to survive this. I want to thrive despite this. I want to heal whatever issues from my childhood and other traumatic events brought me to this place, including his affair and MLC. But it just [censored]. Why can't my life go back to the way it was before all this? It wasn't perfect but it was really great. At least to me...

Yes, we had challenges. Yes, things were hard in some areas, but the core, I felt that was ok. Now I am terrified I'm going to have to figure out what my life would really be like without him. I can't even think...