It's alternating wildly really. What I am confused about is how to address items such as division of labour in the house and who looks after our son and how we ask each other for support.
He just agreed of his own freewill to accept a 20K loan from my dad to pay off our business credit cards and our personal credit cards. I gave him space to do so and said it was up to him... he took his time and answered my dad via email that we would accept. Then two days later he came home with a TV that he purchased on credit - I was shocked and said why didn't you talk to me about this - which of course set him off into a tyraid of the usual blame, most of which is simply not true. He blames me from not standing up for himself and always supporting my decisions throughout our marriage. He has not been able to be true to himself most of his life and tended towards being a people pleaser and avoiding conflict by not expressing himself. Whereas I am not like that for the most part, I enjoy helping people but I likely will tell you if I am not happy or don't want to do something. I can be fiery for sure, but I am also always willing to talk through things.
The interesting thing is he vacillates so wildly. One day (or even half a day) he wants to be here, help, be supportive, work together, pay of our debt together, then literally the next hour or day he's supremely angry about his needs being violated (any sort of ask is a violation of his needs/boundaries - Ive checked this out with my counsellor who has met him a few times - she likens it to someone who is just learnign to have boundaries for the first time who goes over board and assures me that my asks are just that - asks, not violations of his boundaries). He even said one morning he would be willing to read a book on relationships and work through it together... which also is hard for me because he's also stated he never ever wants to get back together. Then another day he will be intently connected to me during an argument to the point where we almost have sex, but settle for a cuddle in bed. Then two days later he completely blows up because I "asked" for him to be there after work when we first went through the business shutting down and working from home (I have another job that allows me to work from home) and losing day care all in the same day. He told me that even asking him was a violation of his needs/boundaries - and my exact words were: "hey, since things are so intense, would you consider coming home after work this evening?", that was after two days of supportive talks and connecting where we almost had sex.
I feel that we have to address how we are going to continue contributing to this household scenario in a productive way. But I don't want to go into "relationship talk". I just want clarity on what we are doing, but maybe even that is too much?
Is this normal? I am having a lot of trouble trying to stay positive.
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
