Quote Wishful thinking, KTO. She is not traumatized whatsoever! The guilt isn't eating her alive. If she feels any guilt whatsoever at this stage.....it isn't much.
So when does the guilt stage come? I guess I am telling myself she feels guilty but she hasn't shown it anyway.
Before I respond, please understand that I am not saying the WW has to admit any of this to her H. I say this b/c I don't want any H trying to put words in the mouth of his WW, so he can check it off the list. Okay?
IMHO, it's when she stops blaming her H for her unhappiness. When she accepts total responsibility for her decisions connected to the affair. When she stops having so much anger toward her H, and stops demonizing him. It's when she stops justifying her actions.
The WW can be described as having a hard, cold heart......for a reason! Look up the word, wayward. Look at the synonyms of wayward. That's your W! Mentally, she knows it's not right to cheat on her H (if she has any standards at all.) Emotionally, she just doesn't care enough. In other words, guilt is not the trump card. I'm sure it sounds quite logical to LBS's.......that their wayward spouse couldn't help but feel guilty for how they've behaved. No, the LBS's are using their own moral compass or religious beliefs to measure the wayward spouse. The wayward spouse has lost their moral compass, at least, temporarily........and perhaps in some cases, permanently.
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What stages should I expect? I realize timelines may be a little off, but what stages and when?
It's not that simple. Look, I've written about all this in the link to the WW threads. When I used the word, "stage", I was referring to her still being involved in an affair. Until she ceases all contact with OM, expect more of the same behavior from her. Certain loses may cause feelings of remorse, and sadly, that's what it usually takes before the WW changes. I might write out a thousand scenarios, and not hit her particular one. I just know that as long as she has no consequences for her decisions, she is not likely going to experience feelings of remorse, humility, etc.
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I am trying to detach, and have been good over the past week. But I am still so emotionally attached to her. Especially with speaking to her about our D so much.
We aren't saying you have to stop loving her. You know that, right? You are only a couple of months out, and you're wanting to know how long this is going to last. I understand you are in pain, but there are no crystal balls here. I'll try to help by telling you about the usual behavior of WW's and advise you about some things related to your sitch.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
