WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear

[Core]

Straight from the horse's mouth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55N-kTActvQ

Look, if your W were a guy and I were you, I'd be about ready to crack him in the mouth at this point but that is only going to make things worse. You have to realize that she is pushing your buttons and looking for a reaction. Don't give it to her. Ignore it and make your way out of the room or to a different activity.

I was in limbo for over a year, and even then, it takes a lot of time to settle in again. Either way, divorce or marriage, you're going to have to get used to a new normal.

Thanks for the link Ovr. I spent a good couple hours out a whole bunch of her vids. Never thought to look her up on youtube. The thing with how W acts, namely disrespectfully, isnt ignoring it a bad thing? No one has ever treated me as poorly as her and if it were anyone else they'd be out of my life for good.

Here’s the problem you are not detached so in essence you’re not ready to file. If you were detached limbo would be a piece of cake for you. It’s easy for your W because she doesn’t want to save the marriage. I suspect you think filing will either wake her up or make you feel better. I will do neither. I was in limbo a lot longer then you and when times got tough I would think about my children and get up and prepare for another round.

I have been listening to a lot of Peter Crones podcasts and one of his famous quotes is “Life will present you with people and situations to show you where you are not free”. The point is all of life is uncertain and you better get fuching used to it. You have to learn to be ok that you don’t know the outcome and you’re ok with it. Trust the universe.

So my suggestion to you is to work on being detached so then you can make a decision that is based on logic and not emotion (fear)

Life is $hitty sometimes and it will punch you in the face like a MFer. The goal is to keep getting up to go another round. If you need a reason just think about your young children.

A day at a time with detachment, it goes well until she acts disrespectfully, completely illogically or neglects things that affect us both like not paying bills. The young children is whats making this so hard. My decision to D is in the forefront of my mind most of the time, when I feel logical and detached and more so when emotions are running. I havent had the thought of trying to make it work in awhile.

What do I do to build respect? U is right that there is still none. Even if we D, we need respect. Ive kicked her out of the mbr, told her she can leave or file any time she desires, put boundaries down. Im enforcing my last boundary and am only communicating kid logistics since the eyeroll.

You cannot INSIST on respect. You can learn techniques to command respect. But ultimately, she may not ever respect you. You can only control your part of the equation. Eyerolls I would shrug off.

Im defeated, exhausted, hopeless and lack the will to stay in this marriage. I'm ashamed that we are here. I pictured signing the divorce papers and got so happy yesterday. This was all preventable with a little communication and self improvements. I'd rather live alone and miss half the kids childhoods than live with this version of W. If I file, I'll never know if its the right or wrong choice. All the other sitches similar to mine that ended in a happy reconcile seemed to resolve quicker than mine.

Core, you often sound really stirred up with anxiety in your posts. As an anxiety sufferer myself, it took a long time (and is still a WIP) for me to build calm confidence in my decisions, rather than dive into the mentally exhausting cycle of anxiety. Often anxiety had me thinking "Either I do A, or I do B". This is a fallacy.

Whether or not you end up filing for D, it's not going to make you happy or not. Other factors will.

Happiness being internal is on point. I've been working on that and am way better than 8 months ago thankfully. On the anxiety end...its feeling less like anxiety and more like injustice. Right and wrong. When I'm treated with disrespect, its anger, honor and ego kicking in. Especially when the kids are present. If W eye rolls, D4 is watching and my actions set the tone of what someone should do when this occurs. I dont want either kid to learn to sit around and take it.