Ok clearly quarantine is getting to me much like Jack N in the shining...
Inside my head:
So I wondered WHY I wasn't DBing from the very get go of the BD? I had been here before. What was holding me back? What was making it so difficult?
Last time my H never moved out and while he had a realtor and looked at houses we shared the same bed and he was home every night. We still talked about basics... work... when he was working over. Nothing financially had changed.
I won't lie it was still a lot of hard work last time.
So why this time was I dragging my feet with something that I knew would be the only way to get back on track? Was it this time he was leaving... finances were changing... he was really buying that house... we stopped talking basics... now there was OW?
Was I overwhelmed? I think I looking back I felt this time he was TRULY gone. There was no hope of reversal... he had given me a second chance and I had squandered it. And, ultimately did I have it in me to do the work really necessary and give it the time it required to save my M?
I think if I couldn't get it back immediately what was the point??? That if I kicked him out and he didn't have this Aha moment and want to work it out would it ever??? Would there ever be a chance that he would remember why he married me???
That's a lot to struggle with AND THEN>>>>>>>
I think back to myself and previous relationships that have ended. I've chased terribly. I've begged and pleaded in the past. I done foolish things like finding out information about them, etc etc. I did terribly needy things to push them out the door. Not proud but I can admit being immature at the demise or rejection in the past.
Of course I have stated to my H that this is not what I want. That this is not the solution to our problems. That he shouldn't have given up on me. That I did cry in the beginning but not since. But, I haven't snooped outside of what is not just laid out in front of me. I left him alone for days at a time. I am not the one to call or text first. I don't always DB like I should but I'm not slamming him with a dozen texts when he doesn't pick up the phone.
Why is that? Why is my behavior so much different that what is "normal" for me? Is it because this one really matters??? Is it because deep down despite resenting the work that lies ahead of me he is totally worth the fight? Is our M worth that fight?
Clearly the easy route is to accept the friend zone. Its been offered... If that were the case I could call or text daily. I wouldn't care so much what he thought. We could casually discuss D and start sorting out who gets the juicer or the smoker... etc.
What's my motivation? What's putting me in a place that rather than figure out which account the funds should stay in until used I'm letting it go AND not texting him over it?... that a simple logistics text that makes sense for us is less important than letting him feel my absence?
I'm letting go WAY sooner than I would at any other relationship demise. Maybe not truly detached and dropping the rope per say but I'm really doing my absolute best to save the M.
Maybe I should ask them to up my medication???? :-)
