Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[may22]

Hi Pommy,

I've been thinking about you. I know you've said it makes you really anxious to have him around so much, and the "let's see what happens" non-response is super annoying.

Here's a thought-- can you significantly reduce the amount of time you're in contact with him and letting him come around? He said he needed space... lucky for him, he has it in spades. He made the choice to MO, not you. He now needs to understand what that means, and coming over every single day for lunch is not S! (Beyond the fantasy S/D that our Hs seem to cultivate.)

What I'm wondering is if he has some days totally on his own in his rental, then OK to come over for a lunch or something during which time you can be as fun and happy and supportive as you want, and then he walks back out the door to his sad rental for another few days on his own. You don't answer the phone when he calls unless you feel like it. You don't need to have him in your space unless you feel like it. If it gives you anxiety... say no. Focus right now on what is best for YOU and the kids. He has focusing on himself covered, no need for you to waste any mental energy thinking about his best interests, right?

If you need ammo think about the butt dial conversation you overheard. That would give me enough fuel to last for awhile.

These interactions need to be on your terms, not his. I think listening to your own emotional responses are important, and if you are feeling uncomfortable with the power dynamic and a little bit like he's using you right now... then don't let that happen. For me, the fantasy D scenario where we were still best friends and had dinner together every night was incredibly infuriating for me, and I was a broken record in saying it would never, ever happen. I worry a little bit because of the coronavirus situation, your H is getting a taste of the fantasy S, and he won't be able to understand that it is just because of the coronavirus that this is happening and feel like it is a real possibility in the future where he could pop in for lunch and for some emotional support when he needs it-- all on his terms, of course.

HUGS. I know this is so crazy and hard. You're doing incredibly well.