a new normal

[may22]

Thanks, guys

Wooba-- we do have time together after the kids go to bed, usually a couple of hours. Sometimes quality like drinking beers and chatting, sometimes we are both on our computers working or he's watching TV and I'm reading, probably most often somewhere in between the two-- watching a show together with drinks, some chatting. He is way more solicitous of what I want to do now than he was (during the A he would just turn on the TV to whatever he wanted to watch; now he picks things he thinks I'll like, asks me what I want to do, etc). We have been spending some time planning for the big summer trip together which I know he really enjoys.

For me, I don't know that I've been honest and forthcoming when the feelings arise. Most of the time it is something that comes up during the day that makes me think about it but the kids are around etc and it wouldn't be appropriate to say something. But it is definitely on my mind much more than his. For instance, yesterday we had this conversation about what restaurants we will want to go back to first when everything opens up. He mentioned one that we'd gone to for lunch on Valentines Day a couple of years (or more) ago, and I immediately wondered if he'd been in the A when we went there. I asked him what year was that? with the A 100% on my mind (I honestly can't remember if it was two or three years ago) and he responded, I think a year ago? totally innocently and it made me realize he wasn't thinking about the A at all in the context of that lunch, whereas it comes up for me all the time.

I think I probably haven't brought it up in a "I'm having a hard time and having these feelings" kind of way, which he might respond to well and listen and validate. I think every time we've discussed it without the MC there, it has the feeling of some pressure on him, either why did he do it or what he should/could be doing now. I don't think that comes necessarily from me-- he immediately goes there. The other night it kind of came up sideways, I didn't want to talk about it and left the room. He let me be for a few minutes than came and hugged me. We didn't talk about it but I did feel better and we went back to what we'd been doing before.

Sam Cal-- I definitely think there is truth to his not wanting to engage with how the A affected me because of the situation. When we do talk about it, he just gets so defensive and upset. I told him I didn't think he could fully process my pain right now because it would be too painful for him. He said OK, then maybe now isn't a good time for us to get into this. Not sure if he thought there was any truth to what I was saying or simply using it as another reason to push off any real discussions. He has said that he thinks I need to stay sleeping (I'm finally back to sleeping a full night, which hasn't been the case pretty much throughout this whole thing) and he is worried that if we dig back into this I'll regress to not sleeping at night. I can't tell how much of this is truly caring about me and how I am doing or the fact that I'm not fun to live with if I don't get enough sleep. I think a combination of both to be honest.

I think he is worried about how much quarantine time we have in front of us still and is really worried about how it would go if we weren't getting along, and worried that talking about the A will dredge up bad feelings. I guess what he isn't fully understanding is that those feelings are right there under the surface for me. And yes, much more time on my hands with him right in my face all day long to think about the A. It is almost harder right now because he is being so great in every other aspect of our lives together, kind and jokey and thoughtful, acts of service all day long, to look at him and realize that he had cheated on me for so long.

Re the friend zone-- I'm not holding back but I'm not pushing either. I told him at the end of the R talk night that I still wanted to have sex and he picked me up and put my over his shoulder and went to the bedroom.... so that ended up fun... but I'm generally not really wanting to be the instigator since I don't fully believe he is back to desiring me the way I would want to be desired. This is a change from three months ago after the last BD, when I really felt like I was interested in sex for the sake of exploring my own sexuality and he was the most available partner and I didn't really give an F what he was thinking, except for some satisfaction in knowing all the stuff he'd said about never being able to have sex with me again was total BS.

Now, I still have that desire for myself, but it is complicated by the fact that I do care more now about how he is feeling (or not feeling) and it doesn't feel sexy to push myself on someone who isn't really interested back. (of course, this is what he's told me he felt for years with me, and I fully get the irony of the situation. But it still isn't fun.) And I do think back to him saying those things about not being attracted to me, and then the fact that he slept with AP, and then I'm just not that interested unless he makes the first move. Which happens occasionally but not as much as I'd like in this new space where I am with desire.

His primary LL is physical touch. I talked about this a bit with the MC in my solo session, and he said he thinks what is identified as primary LL sometimes has more to do with what is missing than anything else. (He said he doesn't really use the LLs in his practice.) Regardless, I know that PT is important to my H and always has been. We used to trade backrubs every night back before kids, and this week I suggested we start that back up, since we can't go get massages and it is a small thing we can do for each other during this crazy time. He was a little weird about it at first but we're now doing it regularly, and it is so worth it from my end, even if he was weirded out about the original suggestion. I think it might be because giving me backrubs used to be a precursor to him initiating sex and (I'm not proud of this) in the depths of the SSM he would start giving me a backrub and I would say I'm not having sex with you! and he would say OK. I'll just rub your back. Ugh. Typing that out made me feel horrible.

Anyway. I don't know if that is part of it or if he's thinking of AP (who he told me at one point loved to give him massages and didn't ask for anything in return, giant eye-roll, if that isn't proof enough that it was a total fantasy I don't know what is!) but it is part of the reason I want to dig into the infected garbage of the A and get it all out into the sunlight and lysol the crap out of it. Otherwise every stupid little thing in our R will be tinged by this worry of what is going on in the other person's mind. He doesn't like to admit it but he thinks it too... he asks what I'm thinking, looks at me all the time to gauge my reaction to things happening on the TV, very very curious about what I'm doing every time I'm on my computer.

Well, that was a lot longer response than I intended it to be. And I feel badly because I know a lot of you guys are dealing with far more difficult situations than I am. But I really appreciate the ability to reach out to you all and know you care and are there.