Sooo observations on how things are different in the last week:
Contact prior to being 100% gone was limited/brief. I was guilty of hovering at times which was not good. But, on the times I wasn't hovering I caught him seeking me out... he would try to be sly such as looking into the room very quickly to catch a glimpse of me to know that I was there. Walking though out the house to... oh there you are... blah blah blah... oh your heading out... blah blah blah.
They say for every negative encounter it requires 5 positive ones to counteract it. So I was trying to make bank that the brief positives times would start to out stack the negative ones.
Now that he is 100% out of the house there are literally no interactions. There are text exchanges but texts can be difficult to navigate. You cannot interpret tone in a text message. Its easy for someone already primed with negative thoughts to take even the most simple text message as threat/disrespect. Yes, there have been a few phone calls but seeing how I am not detached emotion can end up being a run away train. I'm grateful that in all phone calls (save one where he hung up on me) I have been the one to end the call.
I try very hard to not be the last one to text in any exchange. That's a 180 for me... having to to have the last word. So I let them hang if I feel that anything I add does not require a response and make sure I do not leave it as the last one.
I suppose there is more mystery for him that he is not here? Some might suggest that. To me its seems out of sight out of mind and he is able to focus more on what is the here and now for him which is OW. Its just there is no increased contact from his end now that he is out of the house.
So if you are musing in your sitch whether its better for the spouse to be in the home or out. I would have to say in despite the fact that yes I needed to kick mine to the curb. At least even in the brief 10-30min of contact you can't tell me he hasn't noticed I wear a new perfume and I've lost 15lb. Even if you don't like someone you do tend to notice those things.
My H truly dispieses his first EW not so much for what happened to their M but more the following 10yr where she spent so much time and energy keeping his kids from him. But, before we were M we were at an event with the kids and he noticed how much weight she had lost and commented. It wasn't something she maintained as she quickly ballooned in all the years that followed. So I know he must see it... but doesn't trust me that the 180s will stick this time.
Outside of that I am working on what some people refer to as a clean slate message. Not with the intent of giving to H or least not anywhere in the near future for sure. H doesn't like to read ramblings so I have to work on a message that is compact, concise and meaningful. I'm looking for 3-5 sentences max. I'm a wordy girl so that will be a challenge.
I'm struggling today with no contact. I keep picking up my phone with the thoughts:
Since you are not paying off the vehicles right now would you consider moving the funds back to the other account.
I can't get the clean button to turn off on the Ninja - I guess I'm just going to have very clean coffee!
I cannot open that can of worms. I cannot have his phone go off when he is with OW and its me. That would be so lame and humiliating not to mention create yet another bonding experience for them.
I'm trying to let go of all expectations. That is difficult. I work in a field where if you X you expect Y. I've never had the best in patience. Even in my professional career of 30yr I often still get nervous and don't let treatment have enough time before re-evaluating/changing course - I want things better and I want them better now! In contrast my H has been instant gratification guru. It led to some issues early on in our M and he recognizes this is true and I have to say I've seem improvement over the years. To the point when he whined and complained about wanting a new truck I just said go get one. Go pick out what you want and what you will be happy with and we will make it work. Funny... I got all kinds of excuses why he should wait due this/that. Sadly I feel that OW is more of his instant gratification popping back up.
I'm still working on knitting socks. I hope to have 2 complete pairs in a couple of more days. Cleaning the house. Its been a challenging weekend with the puppy. 6 months, 60 pounds and loose stools... yup, you get the picture. Didn't call/text H once to complain OR ask for help. I realized that if he were interested he would have been here. And, I've picked up an online coach. Goals are to work on myself and increase my emotional attraction.
