a new normal

[may22]

Hi guys,

I miss you all too. It seems so weird that now that the only way to connect with people is online it is so much harder to get to this community! I think it is because we are all together 24-7 now and I am never, ever alone. I am kind of terrified that one day I'll slip and my H will find this site... not that I've said anything here I wouldn't want to say to him directly, but I feel like this site is MINE and something I just don't want to share with anyone but you guys.

Things are good between us. I feel like we've all had a good attitude and are making the best of the situation. Breaking out more board games, watch a movie every night (we all now take turns choosing since getting everyone to agree on the same movie was ridiculously hard), cooking together or taking turns, reading, yoga, and WFH. The problem is more me... I am still thinking about the A way more than I want to, and he really doesn't want to talk about it. He feels like we have this whole stretch of quarantine ahead of us and doesn't want the additional stress of digging into the whole A situation. Can't we wait till it is over? And I *know* I am still in a DB-ing situation and should focus on myself and not on him... but he just still isn't showing the contrition he is supposed to in order for us to really move forward and start working on M2.0.

I talked with the MC on my own this past week, which wasn't really all that helpful. Takeaways included him saying "well, you don't actually know he is NC with AP" which totally threw me for a loop and led to an R talk that evening in which H got kind of annoyed at MC, felt it wasn't fair for him to say things like that without H there to "defend" himself, and underscored the reality that H is simply not ready to really engage with the fact of the A and how it has affected me. I think MC is trying to continue to get me to focus on what I can/can't control and not trying to push the timeline any faster than it is prepared to go on its own (again patience and letting go of control not exactly my forte, though getting better at it through this whole sitch).

On the upside, in our R talk (even though it was uncomfortable) we did come to an agreement about what would happen if AP reached out-- H agreed to not answer the phone and to talk to me about it before responding. H was still so focused on himself through the whole conversation-- it took me laying out "OK, think of it like this. She calls, you don't answer. I feel decent about it even if angry she called because you didn't pick up and talked to me about it first. Like we are partners in this. She calls, you answer (he had said he might answer because the only reason she might call is if it were an emergency) and then I'm super pissed. I'm your wife, I'm the one you should be most worried about feeling decent since I'm the one you're living with..." and he said, yes, OK, I see that. I agree. But even his whole body hunches and cramps over when we start talking about the A at all and he is just all over the place. (Yes, I know a few weeks ago you guys were like why are you talking about what happens if she calls because of coronavirus and STOP DOING THAT.... and here I went again.)

So... it has now been close to 3 months since I found out about the extent of the A. Six weeks now since he returned from his trip and he has been NC with her since then (I believe it, also because there is literally no way he could possibly be in contact with her for the past two weeks at least since we've been together 24-7 and talking, looking at each others' phones/computers, etc). He feels he is here and being the best dad and husband he can be. Which is true. He really is. But what should I be doing? I am having a hard time not thinking about the A and AP, maybe partially because we are together all the time and it keeps hitting me over and over that he had a relationship with another woman, and isn't so, so sorry and saying it was a huge mistake and he is so thankful that I stood for the M.

I feel like I *should* just continue to focus on myself and what I can control (me) and the friendship between us. But can we get stuck in the friend zone? We have slept together a couple of times but not as much as during that weird (maybe hysterical bonding) period after the last BD. I can't really act mysterious or be on my own at all. Any suggestions are welcome.