Wishful thinking, KTO. She is not traumatized whatsoever! The guilt isn't eating her alive. If she feels any guilt whatsoever at this stage.....it isn't much.
So when does the guilt stage come? I guess I am telling myself she feels guilty but she hasn't shown it anyway.
What stages should I expect? I realize timelines may be a little off, but what stages and when?
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That's why you have to emotionally detach from the drama she tries to bring. You can't rationalize crazy!
I am trying to detach, and have been good over the past week. But I am still so emotionally attached to her. Especially with speaking to her about our D so much. I have limited that but it still is every day with all of thins craziness going on.
the WW seems to be good at engaging with her H by starting on a topic that may get his attention.
She tries every day, multiple times a day. She has learned she can text me something about our D, "like how is our D today?" I will wait a while but then finally answer, "She's good." Then immediately, after she will ask, "How are you." I ave been doing my best not to respond. It is always some message form her trying to initiate convo bit then thinks it is ok to keep in contact with the OM. I don't get it.
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She has to get it out of her system and it will take time.
In your opinion, how much time? I don't want to do this forever. I am only two months in but I can't go through the summer like this. I guess I need to detach and see what happens. I have only been somewhat good about that for a week or so..off and on before that but solid for a week.
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In my case it was the empowerment of W by OM for being the leader, the one that was looked up to, the one that wore the trousers and provided care. I'm not suggesting you try and compete with the OM - not at all, but helps to understand it.
In my scenario, he is less of a man in so many ways. He cannot provide for her. Her own friends have joked with me about how he is less good looking, not successful, etc. But obviously he did something for her...I guess I could use my imagination :-(
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Affairs are like drugs, she is an addict who will lie and cheat until she feels her plan B is disappearing and she is out of options.
That is a good way to think about it.
Thanks, OS2. I will keep on your sitch and you on mine. Thinking of you, man.
And to top it off, my 98-year-old grandmother has just tested positive for Coronavirus. :-(
This is the worst time to try and go through all of this.
I'm so sorry to hear that... sending positive thoughts and hugs. This is such a scary time we live in. Take a day at a time and I hope your grandmother can rely on your strength and the strength of strangers like myself who are sending love and healing.
Really sorry to hear Kto! Be strong, for you and for your grand mother.
Last edited by Mumin; 03/29/2002:32 PM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Quote Wishful thinking, KTO. She is not traumatized whatsoever! The guilt isn't eating her alive. If she feels any guilt whatsoever at this stage.....it isn't much.
So when does the guilt stage come? I guess I am telling myself she feels guilty but she hasn't shown it anyway.
Before I respond, please understand that I am not saying the WW has to admit any of this to her H. I say this b/c I don't want any H trying to put words in the mouth of his WW, so he can check it off the list. Okay?
IMHO, it's when she stops blaming her H for her unhappiness. When she accepts total responsibility for her decisions connected to the affair. When she stops having so much anger toward her H, and stops demonizing him. It's when she stops justifying her actions.
The WW can be described as having a hard, cold heart......for a reason! Look up the word, wayward. Look at the synonyms of wayward. That's your W! Mentally, she knows it's not right to cheat on her H (if she has any standards at all.) Emotionally, she just doesn't care enough. In other words, guilt is not the trump card. I'm sure it sounds quite logical to LBS's.......that their wayward spouse couldn't help but feel guilty for how they've behaved. No, the LBS's are using their own moral compass or religious beliefs to measure the wayward spouse. The wayward spouse has lost their moral compass, at least, temporarily........and perhaps in some cases, permanently.
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What stages should I expect? I realize timelines may be a little off, but what stages and when?
It's not that simple. Look, I've written about all this in the link to the WW threads. When I used the word, "stage", I was referring to her still being involved in an affair. Until she ceases all contact with OM, expect more of the same behavior from her. Certain loses may cause feelings of remorse, and sadly, that's what it usually takes before the WW changes. I might write out a thousand scenarios, and not hit her particular one. I just know that as long as she has no consequences for her decisions, she is not likely going to experience feelings of remorse, humility, etc.
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I am trying to detach, and have been good over the past week. But I am still so emotionally attached to her. Especially with speaking to her about our D so much.
We aren't saying you have to stop loving her. You know that, right? You are only a couple of months out, and you're wanting to know how long this is going to last. I understand you are in pain, but there are no crystal balls here. I'll try to help by telling you about the usual behavior of WW's and advise you about some things related to your sitch.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
