There have been some interesting new developments, and I'm working every day to not let them change how my DB'ing ways.
It's possible she saw OM last week. I stupidly tried to bring up the subject of her plans that night, and I think she saw right through it. Very defensive. Had a story about hanging out with a friend. Could be true, could be not. The friend is a clear enabler who barely knows me, so who knows.
The next morning she texted me, suggesting we get together to talk that night. Shortly after that, she called and tried to start an argument about something kinda related to the night before. I told her I'm not arguing and she will speak to me with respect or not speak to me. She cooled her jets and we talked it through.
Met up with her that night and we sat and talked for about 2 hours. She is very confused about my 180 and doesn't know what to think about it. She is afraid I've hired a lawyer. I have not and told her as much. I let her know if she is intent on divorce, I will not fight her or beg her to stay. And I will not send us into court unless it becomes necessary for myself and my needs as a father. She says she won't get in the way of my relationship with my son.
She initiated a R talk and stated she just doesn't know how we got here and wishes we weren't in this position. I kept my cool and told her that I would have chosen almost any other path for us to take as a couple and family besides this one. She cried for a while and embraced me. I maintained my detached demeanor, but I was supportive. She talked about "if" we decide to fix things on some future date and expressed doubts about whether she really wants a divorce and if we could ever get over some of the hurt in our relationship. I let her know I have realized a lot of my own needs and I would expect full commitment to the marriage before I'd be willing to work on things. That right now I'm focused on continuing to build a good life for myself and my son. I told her I would not choose to split apart our family for no reason, but that I had finally realized there are things that could lead me to make that choice.
The next day, I brought S back to her place after spending the afternoon with him and she asked me to stay. She again initiated an R talk. I let her know I won't compete for her love and I wont' share her with anyone else. That I will only be with someone who is fully committed to me whether it's her or someone else. She maintains there is no one else. She had some explanations that could or could not be true. Who knows. One thing I know about myself, is that I tend to worry about infidelity, so I'm trying to take my own thoughts/feelings with a grain of salt. Friends have given me good guidance that right now I'm freaked out and likely to interpret anything as proof of the worst. I still don't believe her. I am just trying really hard not to let my mind go so far down that road. I'm torn between not caring and trying to find hard evidence. Is it helpful to find evidence?
Anyways after the discussion had died down and I was about to leave, she just jumps on me and starts making out with me. I let it happen. Not sure if that was the right move. I liked it, but I didn't push. She brought up the idea of sex and said she was uncertain. I said simply that I wouldn't beg for anything and left it at that. We spent some time close that night and she recounted good memories from our past. I left after that.
Over the last few days she has been back and forth. Initiating contact then not. Yesterday, she suggested we spend time together with S. We had a good time. I focused mainly on him and was just friendly with her. She again brought up good memories from the past and shared a lot about what's going on for her professionally right now. I was polite and confident.
I'm not believing anything she says and only half what she does. The confusing things lately couple with her saying she now has doubts about D (previously stated it was the only option) are hard to follow. I'm sticking with DB'ing. Sometimes I want to reach out, so I call a friend instead. It doesn't feel good to think she's toying with me, but I hold that as the most likely scenario. Until she says shes 100% committed, I have to fight the urge to think anything has really changed for her.
Thanks for listening. Any advice/thoughts you have are always so helpful and appreciated.
