kto626 I'm a little further ahead of your sitch I think and our sitchs are similar apart from you've set a lot of boundaries whereas I didn't want to get tangled up in them so didn't set any/many. NC and staying strong is so tough but I wish I'd done more of it, more validation and less getting dragged into conversation - the WW seems to be good at engaging with her H by starting on a topic that may get his attention. Whenever I sought strength to do it well, W came running back for attention. When I got enough attention I would relent/give in, talk to her and the dance would start again. I think my W had guilt too so eventually it felt like I would 'fill her up' and she could go off to OM again with less guilt. I wish I'd been harder on the whole thing.
Your W will cake eat, and she will only have romantic thoughts for one man at a time. Expect the worst. Expect her to be contacting and seeing OM regularly. Either contacting or seeing him are equally as bad at keeping her from wanting to come back to you. She has to get it out of her system and it will take time. I should have laid out my criteria for coming back to me, applied NO pressure and started NC.
In my sitch the OM is the complete opposite to me, mostly in bad ways the same as yours. I think WWs get what they are missing at home. In my case it was the empowerment of W by OM for being the leader, the one that was looked up to, the one that wore the trousers and provided care. I'm not suggesting you try and compete with the OM - not at all, but helps to understand it. Affairs are like drugs, she is an addict who will lie and cheat until she feels her plan B is disappearing and she is out of options. And even though you can't understand it she will act strangely and have bad withdrawal for a long time after. Feel free to ask me Qs because I feel I could have done a better job earlier on (although you've got plenty of great advice from the vets above).
