Quote: Why is it all of a sudden I feel like I've been working too hard to make H see how wonderful I am/can be when in the long run I don't think it's going to matter. Maybe it's not that I'm "working" so hard because I'm not I guess. I've been trying to be so much to him for the last couple of months and he's being nothing to me.
Cathy - I can relate to this 100%!!!
I think maybe I am finally beginning to understand the meaning, and the value, of detaching. Maybe it's when we are able to see and evaluate our current situation and the probability of improvement somewhat dispassionately (I don't think we can ever view our own lives objectively), as a counselor or "casual observer" might. Lately, I do not much like what I am seeing in my wife's behavior, commitment to our marriage, or even real effort to make things better. And while that's very sad, I find myself becoming much more accepting of it. Why? I'm not totally sure. Perhaps I'm weary of worrying about it. Perhaps I'm weary of working so hard for it. Perhaps I'm feeling better about myself and seeing a spiritual benefit of making changes that needed to be made - for me and my life - not solely to "convince" my wife to stay.
Over time, the DB concepts that initially seemed so foreign and distant to me - actions, not words; make changes for you; take care of yourself; patience and unconditional love - are sinking in, and I am beginning to believe that I will survive, perhaps even thrive, regardless of the decisions my wife makes about her role in this marriage.
Don't get me wrong, I am almost 44 yrs old, have been married for almost 20 - I basically grew up with my wife, and I have been devastated by her refusal to forgive past (relatively minor, in my book, but that's another story!) transgressions and her unwillingness to renew her commitment to me, but I am finally beginning to see the futility in chasing an outcome that is not within my control. And I am choosing to manage my own outcomes now. If my wife cares to join me, that would be lovely. And I know I will have some hard work of my own to do to forgive and trust her again. If she decides not to join me, I will struggle, but I am beginning to see that I will be OK, and will take what I have learned with me, find love again, and cherish it.
