Why is it all of a sudden I feel like I've been working too hard to make H see how wonderful I am/can be when in the long run I don't think it's going to matter. Maybe it's not that I'm "working" so hard because I'm not I guess. I've been trying to be so much to him for the last couple of months and he's being nothing to me.
Am I supposed to be showing H how wonderful I am. The things he complained about that I didn't do for him:
Making his lunches Making dinners Inititating conversations with him--(when a lot of the times he doens't answer) Showing more interest in
Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining, I reallly am enjoying some of the things that in the past I didn't want to do for H. But H doesn't notice or doesn't seem to care. Well I'm assuming here but he's never once said thank you for anything. Most people would, but then again he's not most people and really never has said thank you. Just takes it all for granted. Right now I'm feeling that he can go back to OW, maybe he would be happier there.
I won't ask him to move out, as I really don't think he will, but maybe it's time to back off in word and action and see what happens Becuase as I mentioned above why should I provide these services for a person who doesn't appreciate them. OW would love to wait on H hand and foot and kiss is a**, too.
Time to head out. I guess I'm not sure where my head is going, but it's time to reassess my sitch and my goals.
I think you just hit a bump in the road that I would love to hit. Thank you so much for stopping by when things aren't going well for you --- I can't express enough to you to let you know how much I appreciate you. Ok - where is the huggy face? (())?
Thank you for being here fore me (duck). How do I contact you guys off the boards if I work on Saturday when you have the chats?
Mary
"God, help me keep my head up, my heart open, and know I'll always be guided along the path."
Wow, every graemlin! I'm honored. I really think it's time to add a few new ones to the selection.
I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, in a little less than a week you know who is a no show. Yep, didn't come home last night. Although in thinking back to Monday after he said "he won't be here" he added "I'm going to look at a boat tomorrow night", which was last night. OW is selling her boat, do you think he meant he was going to see OW in a read between the lines kind of way?
Oh well, I detached last night in the way I've been working towards. Read the bible for awhile, cried for awhile, not becuase H wasn't home, but because of the sadness of the whole situation, the obsurdity and the "why me" in a cleansing way maybe Well I put my expectations, my faith, my trust in the Lord, I turned totally to him last night and once I fell asleep which was 11:30ish didn't wake up till right before my alarm went off. I don't feel well rested, but I slept and let go of H. Took my mind off the circumstances and was comforted by the Lord and I felt comforted.
Afterall my H isn't my H anymore, really. He's a lost soul.
Well I'm off to the treadmill and I will continue to strengthen my faith as I feel a little different today.
My only question is will this ever end? Will H just continue to go back and forth, back and forth until his head explodes?
Your h will continue to go back and forth until he gets closure from within. Once he starts closing the doors for himself then you will start noticing a difference.
Do not read between the lines because that is exactly where satan wants you to be in order to start everything over inside of you. Do not give him any foothold whatsoever. Trust in what the Lord is telling you. Remember the things that he has shown you in the word and what he has told you personally.
Your h is a tormented soul and it will not stop until he faces himself and repents of what he has done. My best suggestion for you to really understand what is happening to your h is to read Proverbs 6:20-36 and Proverbs 7:1-27. Both scriptures talk about what a person goes through when they fall into adultery.
He is fighting a spiritual demon and you need to bind that spirit from him. That is why this is a spiritual battle and not a physical battle. That is why the Lord has you praying and reading because right now, you are the one with the strength to fight against satan for your husband. Bind those spirits that are around him and break that yoke that keeps dragging him down.
The Lord is trying to get you past your emotional state, like he did me, in order for you to see the real truth of what is happening. As long as satan can keep you feeling the emotional part of what is happening, then he keeps you from praying your h through this. Do you understand what I mean?
One of the biggest lessons that the Lord is teaching us in this time is learning how to control our emotions. Once we have our emotions under control, we are clearer about what it is that we need to pray for and what we need to do. As long as we are emotional about the situation, the Lord can not speak to us or guide us because we are not hearing him.
See, when we allow our emotions to get in there, we are thinking of ourselves and the affect this is having on us and our children, but not thinking of the fact that this is literally killing our spouses spiritually. When people tell you to focus on you and your children, it is to build yourself up to become more confident and strong. Not to dwell on the pain that you are going through and that is hard not to do at times.
When we dwell on our pain, we are ineffective in the spiritual war that we are in. That is how satan controls us is through our emotions and that is how many of us make our choices and end up in situations very much like what your h is in.
That is how we stay in addictive behaviors because we are going by how they make us feel and not by what is right or wrong. You did really well by going to your Bible instead of dwelling on where he was or was not. You are beginning to see the importance of doing that instead of allowing satan to reak havoc on your thoughts. So the Lord protected you against that and allowed you to sleep and rest.
Sure, you can not fix your h but you sure can pray for him and that is what you did.
Quote: I don't feel sorry for OW at all. She's in her sitch and it's her own making. I do pray for her and hope she can come through a better person. I know it can be done as I did it, came to believe in the wonderful, loving person that I am, was all along, just lost myself along the way. That no matter what I will be okay.
It's hard isn't it. I find that I will fell sorry for OW when she is standing where I am now. I'm glad I have the knowledge to understand that my H is not his normal self. She on the otherhand sees what she wants. I'm so glad I'm NOT her. To live with the knowledge that she was a part of spliting up a family. Maybe she justifies it by thinking she is making him happy. She wants him ALL to herself, maybe right now it's working. But I've known my H for 26+ yrs; his family is important. I'm not talking about us only, he doesn't see much of his dad either. MLC explains it all!
Thank you Laurie, I'm still processing your email and will respond a little later. You're my angel and know when I need you.
H called this morning about 7ish asked if I had dropped S off at daycare yet. I said no we're still here, I'm trying to get him to get dressed. H asked what I did with S last night? I said "I was with him" why? H didn't say a word about where he was. Said to S in bright cheery voice "How you are today?" "Are you happy?" and then said "it's bright sun shiney day!" this coming from my H! I then asked H if he would be able to pick S up after work as I had an appointment...dead silence...then "what you didn't know about this appointment before now?" (this is the man who didn't come home last night or call. The guy is clueless and is in his own world, it doesn't bother me, just amazes me) I told him it was an appointment to get my hair cut and that I had meant to call him yesterday, but had gotten busy at work and that was all I said. More silence and then "I can pick him up" and I then said I really have to go, have to get S ready we're running late. H said bye and that was the end of the convo.
Why was he so freak'n happy anyway? This must be what Sting talks about when says he'll be "higher than a kite one minute" He was his normal/abnormal self when I talked to him. Does he think he's fooling me? Does he really think I'm that stupid, that I don't see past his words, his actions that don't match his words?
The other things that I might suggest that the Lord has been getting on my case about is stop talking about the things that he has done wrong.
Okay he stayed out all night without a call. You got a call this morning and he was cheery with your son. So don't try to examine it and try to figure it out. You can analyze it to death like I have and ten chances to one, you are way off base as to why.
Yes, you do see the differences, note them in your head and then just keep praising the Lord for the changes that you are seeing. You will be surprised as to how different things will look.
This is just a suggestion because that is what the Lord has been leading me to do lately and I tell you what, it is a whole different feeling when you start doing that. Then your mind and eyes are not set on him, but they are set on what the Lord has been doing.
This is what I learned last night as I was reading. I will give you the information and see if that doesn't help to explain better what I'm trying to say.
Nothing to Hinder the Anointing
No wonder the Bible calls love the more excellent path to God's power! The more we walk in love, the freer we are from fear and the more fully the Anointing of Jesus can manifest itself through us. When fear is gone there is nothing in us to hinder or interrupt the flow.
That's why Jesus said what He did to Jairus in Luke 8. Jairus had thrown himself at Jesus' feet and asked Him to come minister to his daughter who was at the point of death. He was making a demand on the manifestation of Jesus' Anointing. He was expecting Him to go straight to his house, operate in the gifts of the Holy Spirit and raise his daughter up.
On the way to Jairus' home, however, Jesus was delayed by a woman who came to Him to be healed of an issue of blood. By the time He had finished ministering to her, Jairus ahd received word that his daughter was already dead. "But when Jesus heard it, he answered him, saying, Fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole" (verse 50).
Fear Not! Those were the first words out of Jesus' mouth in that desperate situation. Why? Because He knew fear would contaminate Jairus' faith and stop the flow of the anointing.
In essence, Jesus was saying to Jairus, "If you allow fear to get in you, you're going to block the flow of My Anointing. Even if I go home with you, I won't be able to do much for you. So fear not, believe only!"
Jesus is saying the same thing to us today. After all, the manifestations of the Holy Spirit operate now exactly as they did back then. There aren't two Holy Spirits--one that worked in Jesus' day and another that works today. No, He's the same yesterday, today and forever. So for Him to manifest Himself fully through us, we must keep our faith uncontaminated. We must keep growing in love until we flush fear completely out of our lives. Then the Anointing of Jesus can flow freely through us.
Quote: Why is it all of a sudden I feel like I've been working too hard to make H see how wonderful I am/can be when in the long run I don't think it's going to matter. Maybe it's not that I'm "working" so hard because I'm not I guess. I've been trying to be so much to him for the last couple of months and he's being nothing to me.
Cathy - I can relate to this 100%!!!
I think maybe I am finally beginning to understand the meaning, and the value, of detaching. Maybe it's when we are able to see and evaluate our current situation and the probability of improvement somewhat dispassionately (I don't think we can ever view our own lives objectively), as a counselor or "casual observer" might. Lately, I do not much like what I am seeing in my wife's behavior, commitment to our marriage, or even real effort to make things better. And while that's very sad, I find myself becoming much more accepting of it. Why? I'm not totally sure. Perhaps I'm weary of worrying about it. Perhaps I'm weary of working so hard for it. Perhaps I'm feeling better about myself and seeing a spiritual benefit of making changes that needed to be made - for me and my life - not solely to "convince" my wife to stay.
Over time, the DB concepts that initially seemed so foreign and distant to me - actions, not words; make changes for you; take care of yourself; patience and unconditional love - are sinking in, and I am beginning to believe that I will survive, perhaps even thrive, regardless of the decisions my wife makes about her role in this marriage.
Don't get me wrong, I am almost 44 yrs old, have been married for almost 20 - I basically grew up with my wife, and I have been devastated by her refusal to forgive past (relatively minor, in my book, but that's another story!) transgressions and her unwillingness to renew her commitment to me, but I am finally beginning to see the futility in chasing an outcome that is not within my control. And I am choosing to manage my own outcomes now. If my wife cares to join me, that would be lovely. And I know I will have some hard work of my own to do to forgive and trust her again. If she decides not to join me, I will struggle, but I am beginning to see that I will be OK, and will take what I have learned with me, find love again, and cherish it.
Quote: Bind those spirits that are around him and break that yoke that keeps dragging him down.
What exactly do "bind" and "yoke" mean and how do I do this?
Quote: The Lord is trying to get you past your emotional state, like he did me, in order for you to see the real truth of what is happening. As long as satan can keep you feeling the emotional part of what is happening, then he keeps you from praying your h through this. Do you understand what I mean?
I think I'm beginning to understand it's making more and more sense. I posted a question to you on your thread and I hope it makes sense.
Everytime I think about Satan it makes me and more determined to fight! I will not let S win.
In fact, my phone rang about half hour ago, it was H calling I missed his call, he just called now and I did pick up (even after I told myself not to ) and I could feel the fear and I did the first time, the sense of dread that his call brings. I also had too much caffiene this morning so it also sent it cursing through my veins and now I'm wired...zzzzzappppp!!!
I picked up, I have caller ID, he knows this, and said Hello. H says "who is this?" I gave my name and he went on about something else...button pushing...I asked him if he had talk to his S20 lately and he said "I talk to him about as much as I talk to you" and then h said "did you talk to me last night?" I said "No" (this is a very normal line from him after a noshow) and then said "what are you trying to say" to which he changed the subject to his nephew's graduation party and when it was. It's Memorial Day weekend and he said he's not going, and that if I attended or not was at my discretion (well thank you very much) and that he didn't want to tie up the whole weekend. Then he switched to his job and the sitch there and then he had to go.
Quote: So the Lord protected you against that and allowed you to sleep and rest.
Quote: Over time, the DB concepts that initially seemed so foreign and distant to me - actions, not words; make changes for you; take care of yourself; patience and unconditional love - are sinking in, and I am beginning to believe that I will survive, perhaps even thrive, regardless of the decisions my wife makes about her role in this marriage.
Don't get me wrong, I am almost 44 yrs old, have been married for almost 20 - I basically grew up with my wife, and I have been devastated by her refusal to forgive past (relatively minor, in my book, but that's another story!) transgressions and her unwillingness to renew her commitment to me, but I am finally beginning to see the futility in chasing an outcome that is not within my control. And I am choosing to manage my own outcomes now. If my wife cares to join me, that would be lovely. And I know I will have some hard work of my own to do to forgive and trust her again. If she decides not to join me, I will struggle, but I am beginning to see that I will be OK, and will take what I have learned with me, find love again, and cherish it.
This was beautifully written. You have just written everything I've been thinking about, trying to talk to myself about, etc...and didn't quite know WHAT to say.
