MLC newbie

[Believe6]

DnJ and Job,

Thank you for responding. It helps to see vets who've been here and, for some, a little while, support us who are just starting this long Journey.

Exactly what should we be doing? Focus on you and the kids. Not manipulating. Healing and growing. Living your beliefs.

MLC lasts as long as it lasts. How long are you going to last, outlast?

We have to find our peace with this. A way to live with, and for, ourselves. We can outlast this, but not if one pays too much attention to the behaviours of their spouse. We get very little, some of us none, attention from our spouse. We find our way. Maybe the MLCer awakens, does their inner work, and reaches out toward us. Maybe we are still around. Maybe not.

Those particular answers are a long way down your road. They’re a long way down my road too. Letting go requires understanding and strength. I see both within you, and movement towards that goal.

Stay strong and keep moving forward.

DnJ

I hear what you are saying. I did the total wrong thing last night. I was trying to be supportive about a change happening for him and I ended up arguing with him. I realized last night just how much I have been doing what he says. Trying to get him to see my side and agree that although I made some mistakes so did he. I don't know why I keep trying to defend myself.

He's hurting. He's so lost. He's so trapped and I trap him more by trying to get him to see "reason." And it's only my reason. And truth be told, I know better. This is a gift. We had a good marriage. Better than most, but it wasn't enough for him and in the long run, all it takes is one. If it's not enough for one of us, it can't be enough for either.

Bottom line, observe, listen, validate where you can. Keep your discussions w/others outside your immediate family to a minimum and take what they say w/a grain of salt...they only want what is best for you.
Job

D@mn. I wish I would have done what I kept saying I would do and what you mention, Job.

Listen listen listen. Validate validate validate.

Instead I got defensive. I wanted him to remember how amazing our life has been. And to me, to all outsiders, it was. Maybe when he comes out, he'll remember it too. One reason he says he hasn't outright left already is because he doesn't want to make a mistake. He knows we've had some good years and he doesn't want to look back and have left when he should have stayed. Then in the next breath he'll say he wants to be a hermit... to run away and live on his own.

It's heartbreaking to know just how lost he is. When I look back at the times I felt so depressed, anxious, and lost, I too wanted to run away. I didn't but I think that's because I knew I had work to do here. I'd done enough spiritual work over my life to know that you can't keep running away from situations. The universe (God) finds a way to put another person or situation in your path until you learn your lesson.

I realize now, my lesson of being judgmental, manipulative, needy, controlling, and selfish needs to be addressed. I know it stems from abandonment (not that my parents left me, just that my dad was never around and always working and my mom suffered from depression herself- long story) and not feeling good enough/lovable enough. So I try to force people (or manipulate) to stay with me.

I have been listening to Byron Katie. She has a really great video on Youtube and it opened my eyes to the "story" I am projecting on not just to H, but to others in my life. She says when we are in pain, we need to question the thoughts we are believing. When I face my own pain/fears, I totally see what she means. But then my inner anxiety and fear gets a hold and I can't stay in that space where I know God resides... that space of peace.

She also says that only "good" is happening to us. I've also heard numerous spiritual and thought leaders say, we need to believe we live in a friendly universe. Or that we need to remember that God is working for us and never against us.

I know that's to mean, even these things we label as "bad" are meant for our good. It's mean to shape us. To heal us. To make sure we "never pass this way again." That we are ready for our full spiritual awakening.

I believe that. I have a good friend who I finally shared (not the whole story, but about the trouble in the m) and she is grounding me. She is reminding me to keep trusting in the process. To know that my spiritual light is shining brighter and as I let the darkness, these shadow sides of me, come to light and learn to change them... then more light will be able to shine through me.

It is so hard. It is hard to let go of the story and the illusion and even the myth that my marriage should have never been rocked like it has been. I refuse (yet) to believe it is destroyed. I know it is forever altered. It's like someone who loses a limb and has to figure out how to function now without it. Often, the go on to live fuller, brighter, more empowered lives.

The worst thing that I could ever imagine happening in my marriage has happened. It is still happening. I can't run away from it. I can't hide from it.

I must ask for forgiveness for my MLtransition, while living as an LBS. My H won't be able to forgive or understand my request for forgiveness. But at least I am stating my truth and accepting whatever he is able to understand.

On top of that, I am going to learn and I will master the art of really listening. Really validating. Accepting that I need to shift my perception if I am not seeing him for who he is, rather than my projection.

Gosh it's a lot. It's hard. So hard.... but I don't want the last 30 or 40 years of my life to be me hiding my head in the sand because I wasn't strong enough to get through this self inventory and metamorphosis.

Blessings