Ruining a possible reconciliation

[sandi2]

The only thing that changed was that, unbeknownst to me at the time, the OM was now out of the picture.

How did you find out he was out of the picture? Was it before you broke your "dark" status and asked her out the first time?

I don’t believe she had sex with OM. It was an EA. The OM lives 1000 miles away.

I hope you are right.

I know that nothing has changed for her as of right now. But my question about having dinner and being intimate with her was in the context of a future meeting where she would be pursuing me (i.e., she’d ask me to dinner, I’d decline; she’d ask me to dinner a second time, and then I would accept). Does the fact that she has to pursue me (in this hypothetical future scenario) change anything for her?

You are like a bulldog hanging on to that little piece!

Okay, here I go again, and may not do much better communicating the important things you need to consider. Somewhere in the WW threads, I explain more fully the mindset of the WW and how she will react to pursuit or eagerness from her LBH.

Here's the problem, and why I don't think you are fully hearing everything I'm say. Forget for a minute about how many times she should initiate contact, etc. I am sensing an urgency in you, about the possible future interaction with your W that could come. Your feelings are not wrong, but I'm concerned they are causing you to want to hurry this along. I realize this has been going on for months, and you have needs. However, if you want your W back full time, then you've got to play it cool.

Do you know for certain there is absolutely no communication between her and OM? Was that a signal to you to contact her and ask her out? EA's are hard to get over and it's even harder for her to change how she feels about you. She doesn't have a romantic interest in you, at the moment, even though she had sex with you that night.

Even if she was slowly getting over OM, your first date together went way overboard. I think she saw you were eager to resume the relationship and afterwards, she realized she just wasn't there yet. She basically rejected you again. So, that is your clue to back all the way off. If she gets the notion to call or text, I would ignore it. That's going to send her the message that you aren't so eager to have your heart cut out again.

Now, I can go on & on with scenarios, telling you to wait so many times before you respond, but I think that's where I made the mistake in my first post to you on this subject. You are not looking at the over-all picture, and like a lot of H's, you don't fully understand why your WW is not ready to resume the MR......especially, after having that first incredible date.

Back to your question of does the fact she has to pursue you change anything for her. My answer is, yes it does. You should never pursue a woman who isn't interested in you, and rejects you right after having an intimate date. That goes triple, when the woman is your WW. Many WW's aren't interested in resuming a sexual relationship until she is completely over any affair withdrawals. B/c her "feelings" are not back to normal, so to speak. It's a process for her. Now, if she remains in her wayward mindset (which is very possible) she may have a mood where she wants to just see what you'll say/do if she sent a little text saying, "Hope you are having a good day"..........(just an example). Does that mean she wants to go out again? Who knows? But I can tell you that she isn't at the point of being romantically serious with you. She may get lonely and simply want a pal to talk to that evening. If you okay being just friends, then respond. Just remember, friends don't have sex together. Most H's don't want to settle for just friendship, but if that's fine by you......that's your choice.

I think being dark a couple of months, may have helped her miss you. Then after the date, her feelings were as fickle as ever.

It's up to you if you want to engage in the craziness, but she won't get serious until she thinks you are done with her. Yes, it matters that she has to pursue you. However, understand what I'm saying. She can play games pursuing you, just temperature checking your attachment & interest level. That's not the same as "working" to get you back as her H in an intimate MR.

That's the crazy thing about WW's. Their interest sparks when they believe the LBH's level of interest drops considerable. That's why you'll often read stories of the back & forth "dance" played out. He pulls back, she draws near. He steps forward, and she pulls back. It wasn't difficult for her to see your level of interest during that first dinner date. So now, she has not only pulled away, but put it in writing.

Well, here I go saying too much again. If I have not answered your questions, let me know.