You friend’s reaction is pretty standard and normal. Our friends don’t want to us hurting, especially for a long time. They want to help, they want to fix; just like we were before seeing this new hidden world. It takes time to explain the seemly counterintuitive reality to them, and time for them to understand and accept it. Just look at how long it takes the LBS to find understanding and acceptance, and we live this. A friend, no matter how good, isn’t walking in your shoes. It makes perfect sense they won’t understand, at first. We didn’t understand at first either.
Do not leave articles out for H. MLCers do not want to be diagnosed. To them, there is nothing wrong with them. You, the kids, the dog, that bird outside the window, the furnace vent ( ) - they are too blame. MLCers can’t, and I mean can’t not won’t, they can’t be at fault. They will expend incredible energies into maintaining their fantasy. They have too. In the face of rationalities and reality, their apparent stubbornness looks crazy. And pretty much is. Crazy, not insane, just irrational.
Your friend’s warning, paranoid or not, is another typical reaction. People do remember sensational events, more so than the calm and nicely ending ones. A couple that gets back together doesn’t make the news headlines, but a murderous rampage does. The percentage of irrational people that turn violent is really small. Most are harmless and very misunderstood.
Originally Posted by Believe6
What's strange, and what I keep coming back to, is I know all MLC journeys are different. HeartsBlessing and others remind us of that. We can't judge any of them as the same. I just wonder if we aren't sure of the stage they are in, exactly what should we be doing.
Yes, every MLCer has different upbringings and different traumas, different underlying issues and demons. And yet they do follow a strangely similar path and script.
The stages are not carved in stone, and do not have well defined delimitations between each. “Running” is the behaviour the LBS sees first. The bomb drop, it is a running behaviour. Running lasts for a good long time; it lasts as long as it takes.
Running, withdrawal, depression, they can bounce into and out of each - just like the stages of grief. The time estimates that are given here and there are rough guidelines at best. Some MLCers, never come out of running. I personally believe most do progress through their own stages and grief, eventually accepting they were not at fault for whatever traumatic experience emotionally stunted them, and they do grow up.
Exactly what should we be doing? Focus on you and the kids. Not manipulating. Healing and growing. Living your beliefs.
MLC lasts as long as it lasts. How long are you going to last, outlast?
We have to find our peace with this. A way to live with, and for, ourselves. We can outlast this, but not if one pays too much attention to the behaviours of their spouse. We get very little, some of us none, attention from our spouse. We find our way. Maybe the MLCer awakens, does their inner work, and reaches out toward us. Maybe we are still around. Maybe not.
Those particular answers are a long way down your road. They’re a long way down my road too. Letting go requires understanding and strength. I see both within you, and movement towards that goal.
Stay strong and keep moving forward.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
