MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Jounral-- pulled this from Amy's thread Babe recommend I read (or maybe one of the links from that thread)
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Re: Why the MLCer is so distant [Re: Imageer]#98410803/22/07 04:12 AM
AmyC Offline
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 12,896
Virginia
Originally Posted By: Imageer
Amy, How do I leave the door open for my W to return but not actually say anything to her about it?



You decide to.

You must know, though, if you decide that come hell or high water, you are going to stand for your marriage, rest assured that making that decision will be the last simple thing you do.
Hell and high water will both come.
They'll come often and sometimes they'll even come together before you have time to take a deep breath.

As long as you know that and still decide to stand, it is possible to do it quietly, effectively and with grace.
It will take more than you know you have within yourself.
You will have to dig deep and eat a lot of crow.

There is plenty of room here at the table.

;\)

Make a list.
Write down your reasons to stand.
You know the basic ones; kids, vows before God, etc....
Now look closer at the very heart of your relationship.
There you will find the reasons that will enable you to endure.
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I did something I said I wouldn't do. I went to check the car. That's where he had sex with the AP. The back of our car like teenagers. Anyway, I found a strand of hair. Now, it's the similar in color to mine and my daughters only shorter so I am thinking those 3 hours away were put to other use than the stress test.

Funny, although my heart hurts, it isn't pounding like it has been in the past when I think of him cheating. Am I finally learning detachment at least emotionally?

When I came back in the house from "dropping off the recycling," an excuse to check the car, H asked where I went. I told him I went to drop the paper recycling from our room. I also told him I was tempted to go for a ride. I said it pleasantly. He said he understood. Then he went back to his office. He was supposedly getting vitamins, although I think he heard the front door open and came to check on me.

So either he is feeling guilty or he's trying to hide something. Either way, I know it doesn't help to keep pushing at him. Trying to get him to talk or even to get him to feel anything.

At this point. I just want to get through this time with my own dignity and my own sanity intact. Maybe others, my family/friends who know, will think I'm nuts for sticking around. I am going to minimize what I say to them going forward.

I think I need to figure out for myself why I want to stand... besides my kids and my vows.

Here's what I know and remember.... this man, he brought me out of a dark time as my best friend, long before we ever became lovers. He's always been a rock for me and many others. In the past, he never really cared all that much what others thought. He did what he thought was right and it was always done with honor, integrity, commitment, and compassion. He works hard, even when it's not work he loves. He's the best dad I could have ever hoped for. One of the reasons I was attracted to him so much is because I knew he would be the dad I wished I had.... someone lighthearted, loving, stable, not too over the top emotionally, never got angry (except lately and only at me), fun to be around, interesting, adventurous... and so many other adjectives that are great.

I stand because he was my very best friend for almost 25 years now. We've been married 21.5 years and it's only been the last 8 months that I've seen the worst of him.

There may have been fights, we may have disagreed, but it was always me pushing. Always me saying we should see someone. We should decide if we should be together. Now I know that maybe I am the one who was also going through my own transition because I've had early menopause for the past 4 years.

I stand because to me unconditional love is real. It matters. I said I will love him no matter what and I meant it. I will stand whether or not the relationship survives. I will stand for ME. I will stand for LOVE because I don't know how not to stand.

But I will also do it honorably. I will do it knowing that I may have to face "Hell and Highwater" at the same time like Amy says. I will do it, because I don't think I can go to God... to the end of this life knowing I did anything less.

Maybe I'll change my mind. Maybe the pain will get to be too much and I will ask God to release me from this vow... but I hope not. I hope I have the courage, the faith, and the will to keep standing... No matter what.