Help with WW #2

[sandi2]

When she messaged after I found out W said she feels she "needs to be single for a bit" and "sort her head out".

That's what I mean. She's not ready.

Of course telling her it's over makes me think she's jumped straight into bed with OM if that wasn't already the case. It seems like she was just waiting for me to give up so she could justify it to herself and tell everyone we've broken up.

No, you are thinking like a logical LBH. She didn't have to wait for you to tell her it's over. She didn't need to feel released or given permission to be with another man. She didn't need anything to justify breaking up, b/c she's going to give a false version anyway. People who know you and love you will know the truth. You can't help what she says and thinks, or tells others. She'd do it, regardless.

Maybe she wants to date him for a bit and see how she feels?

Then she needs to divorce. Since when it is right for a spouse to date someone, just to see how it makes her feel? Wrong is wrong, and it would have been the more decent thing for her to give you a divorce, if she wanted to date. See what I mean? If what you say above is true, where does that put you? Any self respecting man is not going to wait on the shelf while his WW is with another man, until she decides which man she wants. B/c the minute her H goes on the shelf, she has no respect for him as a man.

Or maybe she's confused and upset just like I am and just wants to give everything time without each other.

If what you say were true, she wouldn't need to engage in an affair with OM. That's one of the differences between a WAW and the WW. A walk-away W doesn't have another guy in the picture. She doesn't leave b/c she wants more time to see how the affair with OM goes. The WAW might actually take space & time to sort problems out or even her feelings.......but it would not include sorting feelings for another man.

My gut says the OM means a lot more to her than she lets on and she's infatuated with him.

Well, there you go. Yes, she is infatuated, and it gives her those same feelings of freshly falling in love. It's addictive. It's also wrong to pursue it when she's married to you.

She's not picked her stuff up yet, she said it was too emotional. I wonder whether that will drag on now. Should I take it round for her or be prepared to wait a while?

Whatever is less emotional for you. Frankly, I lean toward you getting her stuff out of there. She would drag it on, I think, and yes, she would cry etc, b/c she's a woman. She's closing a chapter in her life, so she gets emotional. Everything the WW does is based on emotions, so the fact she might shed a few tears doesn't mean a lot. I think it might put more strain on you, standing around watching her getting her things, and she'll probably want a good-bye hug. That often confuses the H, but it's all b.s. emotions. She's going to be with her lover, so her tears will be dried as soon as she gets out of the driveway. Sorry, if this is too harsh to hear. I don't want you having any illusions about how she responds.

I've not got time to wait around for her to decide what she wants. I sort of wish I'd had this mentality from the beginning. Guess a lot of people say that.

Yeah, well you know what they say about hindsight.

I realize the majority of my posts are a lot for the LBH newcomer to undertake. I am guilty of trying to feed as much information about WW's as I can, hoping he can avoid some pitfalls. It's all just so bizarre for him, and he struggles to make sense of it.

I'm really sorry she didn't get her eyes opened. I'm more sorry for the pain you've experienced. You know, I may not be the cheerleader type, but my goal & desire is to help by getting the information out there. ((hugs))