Sandi2 - do you think I'm handling this in the right way? She's seemed close this last few weeks to finally trying to save the M. She sent me several messages telling me how wonderful she thinks I am, and saying how she doesn't feel good enough to be with me. I feel sorry for W because I think she'll live to regret all this when the mind-altering drug of the A wears off and she realises what she's given up for so little.
Frankly, yes I do agree. She's playing games. I'm not going to tell you to divorce her, hoping it will shock senses back into her head. If you file, do it b/c you are done with her messing around. Is there hope of getting back together after a divorce? I honestly have not heard (or remember) of a case involving a wayward W. There was one case that might have made it, but he stopped posting, so not for sure they ever remarried. There have been some cases on the board where the WW would tempt her divorced H, and continue playing games with him. Then he would discover she hadn't changed from her waywardness at all.
For the WW to change, she must suffer some type of personal loss that comes as a result of her waywardness. For me, it was my D discovering my online activity with OM. It destroyed years & years of trying to instill the core values in them....not to mention the religious values my family holds dear. I had always taught my children these standards, and had for the most part, I had lived it. However, I lost that incredible respect from my adult daughter.
I had actually planned to prep my kids by talking to them about having marital problems with their dad, and slowly introduce OM into the picture (classic WW move). That plan was shot down when the day my D told me she knew about OM. Plus, I was actually shocked to realize my family would continue to go forward without me. Let me move off with OM, they would still be together........and, supporting their dad. I'll also add that little things had been working together to cause me to see a few cracks in the fantasy I had built about my future life with OM. So, call it perfect time. My eyes were opened and I could see what I was losing. Now, for some other WW, it might be a different kind of loss......but that was mine. I knew my kids loved me, but their respect was the most important thing in my life, and I lost it b/c of my own actions. Did I immediately change overnight? No,.......I just started seeing reality better, and realizing the damage I was causing myself. You'd think I would have realized the damage I would cause my family, but that's the insane selfishness of a wayward mindset, the WW is so lost in her own fantasy that she can excuse everything away.
Anyway, I had a long, hard process ahead. I struggled with my feelings; was terribly depressed; didn't think I'd ever be happy in my M; went through about six months of affair withdrawals (four months hard withdrawals, two more months that were not quite as bad); and was so full of pride that I actually prayed that God would help me feel remorse for what I had done to my H. The problem was..... I continued to keep the affair alive in my head. I would think about how things may have gone, the should of--could of stuff. Finally, one night I was so terribly depressed and was genuinely praying to have peace. I had to do some deep soul digging. I knew I had not let go of the fantasy and it was keeping the affair alive in my head.........which was preventing me from making progress. (It's the same when a woman has an imaginary affair.) I started thinking that if my H could forgive me, then why couldn't I forgive him for past issues I was so bitter about. The remorse came. The humility came. I was broken by what I had done to the trust we once cherished. It took me nearly two years before I felt any emotional energy to put into my MR. Shocking, isn't it? I tell you this, b/c very few H's can imagine the WW's recovering process. To his logical brain, it seems it should be fairly simple to fix. But he is thinking from the viewpoint of "love". He loves her and he has the desire to work hard on their MR. But, she doesn't have those feelings. Not until she does the work to get herself straightened out and her mindset is healthy again. Not every WW is the same, and the length of time isn't the same. However, I have reason to believe the process is much the same.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
