MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Journal
Had an interview today. I think it would be the final one. It went well. I can see myself working with these women and for this org. I am excited, but trying not to get too far ahead of myself. My H and I are trying to be friends. He is telling me about some personal goals he is working on. I am sharing what happened with the interview. We talked last night and that is one thing we had agreed long ago we would do.

I will detach from the negative things he says or does. I won't however change who I am in order to just db. I am learning to stop worrying that he went to Costco (one of the excuses he used before to meet his AP). I am just doing what I do.

Right now, I came here to distract myself and to focus on me. Next time, I will choose another method to distract myself. I still feel like my heart is squeezing most of the time. Like I can't catch a full breath. But what can I do? I can't force him to stay. I can't force him to promise me he loves me and only me. I know he loves me as a person, but the love I really want he can't give me.

I am coming to believe he couldn't give it to anyone. He doesn't have it for himself so how can he give it to anyone. He's so very lost. I can only do what DnJ reminded me.... glow so bright in who I am and who I intend to be that I will be the lighthouse. Not just for him, but for my kids, my extended family... and my friends.

We all need to find a way to be the light for others.

I hope that since my H will be finally finishing college, he will start to feel a bit more in control of his future. That is one of his biggest regrets. He has a great job (although one he hates) that pays well and he's been doing for almost 20 years. That's part of the problem. He is embarrassed that he is going to be doing the same job without being promoted or anything for the past 20 years. He was offered multiple promotions, but for various reasons and because it would mean he couldn't be available for our kids, he turned them down.

I think he feels like a failure. And although we both talked about how we feel like our lives didn't turn out how we planned when we were young, we both said we were grateful for the life we built. Even with all my layoffs and even with him staying at the same job. Somehow though, after his dad passed, it all seemed like his life wasn't what he wanted.

He told me a while back that his dad seemed happy being alone and free. That the OW was just a girlfriend for the past 18 years and his dad could be with her or not and seemed happy. He can't know that for sure and he wishes he could ask, but since he's gone, he can't. My theory is he is trying to understand his dad by following in his footsteps.

The difference may be, that H's dad didn't finish college. H always wanted to. I am hoping that my figuring out these things he wants and giving him the space to have what he wants, he will figure out that he doesn't have to get rid of me or the family we have.

I am trying to remember what to be grateful for. I am grateful right now we are all healthy. I am grateful for the wonderful conversation during my interview. I am grateful that my kids are safe and we love each other. I am grateful for the faith I am gaining and learning to lean on. I am grateful for the family I have. I am grateful for my friends who are so different and varied and interesting. I am grateful for this board where I can come and share and get ideas. I am grateful for our healthcare workers and all other front-liners who are out there taking care of our sick society. I am grateful for love in all its forms.

I am also digging deep as DnJ said. I am leaning into these terrible, scary, liberating feelings. I realize as I look hard at the person I had become in this marriage, I can see where I was controlling. Where I kept using "push" behaviors with him. Especially the past couple of years. I also realize that when I started pre-menopause a few years back, it started to change me. I took herbs to help but didn't deal with the other emotions that were getting out of control. I should have addressed them. I should have gotten help. Now I have no choice, but to look at all of me and stop just existing in my life, but living it. Looking at the behaviors that I don't like and show that I am a weak, needy, desperate woman... rather become the strong, compassionate, powerful soul I have always been and have just lost somewhere.

So now I start to work on each and everything that I need to change. Not for him. But for me. Because I am worth it and the people in my life are worth it. He is just one person, although for the longest time the most important one, in my life... I am ready to become #1 to myself and the rest will line up after that (or maybe after God).

Blessings all!