Moving Forward

[unchien]

I want to say up front that I prefer hard feedback on my own situation, so I hope I don't offend you with what follows. It is just one internet stranger's reaction after following your sitch for some time.

After D4 went to bed, H asked if I was ready to talk (which was super weird, because he is the ultimate avoider and has very rarely initiated talks about things he knows I’m upset about). I told him that I really didn’t want to have a big talk about it or escalate the topic. I said that I feel strongly that good coparents should have sets of agreements about the big, important topics, and that I was very surprised to hear him sounding like he doesn’t agree with that, but that I don’t have a lot more to say at the moment. He was visibly annoyed. He threw hands up as if to ask “what??” I said if you have anything you want to say I’m happy to listen? He said he didn’t. So I said great, and went back to my cooking.

He doesn't agree with your idea that you should agree on big topics, or he doesn't agree on a specific point?

Then H asked “what if I gave you more money every week?” (I’ve lost my income due to Covid-19 lockdown, and he pried that information out of me a few weeks ago). I said I’m not sure I know what you’re asking me? He said in a very resigned, annoyed sounding voice “I’m going to start giving you X amount more money every week”. I told him that while that would be very helpful, I don’t feel very good about that idea.

I sense from your posts that you feel stronger than ever before, and you want to stand up for yourself and let your H know how you feel as part of being more assertive.

I wonder if leaving out your feelings in these communications would help make them a bit more businesslike and less likely to frustrate you (or him).

For instance: "I appreciate your offer for money. Although that would be helpful, I politely decline."

No need to share your feelings. He doesn't care right now.... unless you start talking about how things are hard and then he likes being a shoulder to cry on.

I told him he is clearly already resentful of it and he hasn’t even done it yet. I said that since it doesn’t sound like there is any good will attached to it, I’m guessing you want to do that to assuage your own guilt, and that doesn’t feel very kind. I feel like you bringing up this “offer” of much needed help while simultaneously making clear how much you resent it puts me in a tough position. If I accept, I feel you will simply add it to your list of resentments to hold over me, and that’s the last thing I want for myself.

I have a soft 2x4 here -- I would consider saying none of this in the future. Keep these thoughts and feelings to yourself. You are mind-reading him (possibly correctly, but still...). It's fuel for escalating things. I completely understand your desire to stand up for yourself and poor treatment, and to express yourself to your H finally, but he's just not going to hear any of it the way you want him to anyways.

He was annoyed by this. He went into a whole thing about how he’s so frustrated with the financial situation. He said that once the divorce goes through and the dollar amount he owes me is “on the books” that he won’t feel so guilty and responsible for making sure I’m ok. I told him that I doubt that’s true. He could calculate the amount of money he’ll be required to pay me at any time and adjust the voluntary support accordingly.

Good statement... you offered him a solution.

I said I think that it’s a fantasy that the paperwork of the divorce will wipe those feelings away for him. I said I feel that he is combining the on paper logistics with the complex emotional aspects. He strongly disagreed with all of it.

Same soft 2x4 applies here.

At this point he is seeming super eager to get the final pieces of the divorce done, because he believes he won’t feel any more “pressure responsibility or guilt”. That is really upsetting to hear. But that’s where he is. It’s a sudden flip, which he’s done several times after periods of him being warm and pursuant. I think I’ve been picking up on this and it’s what made me want to make a statement and give him all his stuff. Like saying “ you’re free already. I’m not holding you back.”

Sounds like he has a tangled mess of emotions to sort through on his own.