Well today was a hard day, and yesterday too. Or rather, most of it was fine but there were small parts that were very hard.

We're on lockdown now, which isn't too different for us given that with Eldest's health problems we've been seeing nobody and going out only for strict essentials for a little while now. The kids are unsettled - obviously - but it being fine weather has helped as they've been out in the garden a lot and applying themselves to their school work with more dilligence than I expected (early days, and the novelty of it all will wear off soon, I am sure).

Eldest and H have clashed a few times. I can see that Eldest badly badly needs less micro-management and in my view, H could pick his battles a bit more and back off from the conflict that Eldest sometimes angles for. He seems to treat them both the same in terms of routines and expectations, without realising there's a big age gap between them and Eldest appropriately needs less nagging and supervision. It's the same old thing - magnified, I guess, because so much else is stressful - H comes down on Eldest hard, unnecessarily so in my view, or will after a conflict like a dog with a bone (he isn't shouting - he's icy calm and persistent and dogged until he goads Eldest into a meltdown) and then when the meltdown happens, works at blaming me for it because if I was as hard as he is, Eldest wouldn't be disobedient.

I know part of this is the stress of the confinement. Part of it is growing pains: H doesn't like to be disrespected, and he sees Eldest's disagreement and independence and resistance at being treated like a child as disrespect. Most children and parents have to go through this.

I think my best plan is to leave them to it. H is not shouting or agressive: he's just know-it-all and unpleasant and I find him incredibly unattractive and unpleasant to be around when he's in this mood. H doesn't like me much when I don't back him up, and I am sure he feels that I don't respect his parenting choice in this area. Well, the fact is that I don't.

Eldest comes to me to complain about his father - says things like 'he just can't leave it,' and 'he just can't bear to be wrong' and his Father comes to me to complain about Eldest along the same lines. Eldest is capable of apologising when given time to calm down, and admitting fault, and attempting to do things differently. I see much less of that in H and so does Eldest, which feeds into the disrespect.

I wish he was a better parent. He is doing better than he was. I am sure he wishes I was a better parent too. I am trying to put a lot of slack into this, and give everyone a lot of grace and compassion as these are pretty crazy times and I am sure families up and down the country are having melt-downs and difficulties right now.

But I don't like feeling this way about my husband. He has been wanting to initiate sex with me and I have tried, but I just can't get into it. Part of it is that I am finding it hard to unwind and the general anxiety of the world's situation has put its affect on me. And part of it is that I find his know-it-all dominant behaviour, locking horns with a teenager and having to 'win' every interaction deeply, deeply unattractive. I'm afraid I've told him this. It probably wasn't the best idea, and I don't think I am being manipulative, only honest, but perhaps STFU would have been a better choice. I don't know.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I suspect H will be working a hell of a lot over the next few weeks, which should make things easier. I find Eldest and Youngest and household stuff much easier to manage when he isn't around, to be honest.