Last night was not bad at all. While I'm in higher risk for virus than most because i still work and interact with public at the very least I get to spend my days with face to face interactions that I know that many are missing.
I'm an introvert so being stuck at home would technically NOT be a problem. But, given my emotional state and that of my M its been much more painful to be at home. I literally have not had a tv on outside of 30min in the last 8 weeks. Combine that with world troubles --- things are just plan weird here.
There is a tiny bit of peace today. There is some relief that this space is mine. That I have stopped allowing him to come and go as he pleases. He doesn't get to give the best of himself to OW and show up here to give his anger and disgust. Let her start to get on his nerves in a tiny one bedroom apartment. He lived a good life with me here and clearly he is not into downsizing as much as he professed. Might I suggest next time he pick an AP that lives in a higher income bracket then??? Okay... that was a snarky comment which I would never say outloud but I feel I'm allowed!
Our puppy is 65lb now and between the other 100lb dog I'm very busy.
That doesn't mean I don't get into my own head for sure. He hasn't texted in over 24hr. Certainly not the longest time we have gone without contact - I believe that to be 4 days? But, I won't lie I start playing our last convo over and over in my head picking apart his words.
When I stated that he voiced his feelings that he kept trying and kept trying hoping I would change.
I said my peace - that he should have never stopped trying because I was his wife.
He replied - you are probably right ----- HE JUST VALIDATED ME. This is why I soften. This is why I am hopeful. Because his validation made me feel good. I'm sorting it out. Just because he validated me doesn't mean he agrees with me but that he just understands my feeling of that he should have never given up.
He then also stated - he was just burnt out. He validated me and then gave me his true feelings. His excuse for leaving the M. He is simply justifying that he stopped trying because he was burnt out. I can see that he truly felt I had lost feelings for him and once that happened the drive he hated became the bane of his existence and everything spiraled. Had he not come into contact with this "old friend" and confided everything too her and became super vulnerable there might have been hope we would have weathered this rough spot.
I realize that my H is reverse DBing me... BIG HEAVY SIGH.
But, I will spend more time with the dogs today. Bite the bullet and sign up for MasterClass - I can only watch so many Ted Talks.
