Firstly, what a crazy couple of weeks. I, like everyone else, am stuck at home. I am able to work from home, which is a godsend at the moment. It means there is at least [i] some [/] human interaction, and it provides a kind of routine to my days.
I've just read through Dilly's thread about how she feels coping with BD has made her more able to deal with what is going on now in the world, that by just knowing she could get through that, has given her the mental and physical resilience to deal with this. It would be so easy to fall apart now, get caught up in the panic and the fear, but she is right, what got us through our separations will get us through this - keeping busy, meditating, exercise and making small incremental improvements. Most importantly I guess, its having learnt to be comfortable and happy in my own company. TBH what I am finding is I need to force myself to interact with others.
Anyway, I am ok. Coping. Happy. Keeping busy.
My relationship with D13 has gotten worse and she has not spoken to me in nearly a month. She has largely been living at her dads (he has not been flying much). It all started, as usual, about us running late. We had to pick up D10 from her tutors (we were already late) and then head into London to watch a show. I had tried to get D13 to wake up 45 minutes before we were due to leave but she grumbled at me. I tried again 15 mins later and she grumpily got up and I left her to getting ready. When we were due to leave, I shouted up, I'm ready whenever you are, and then waited downstairs. 15 minutes later I went up and told her we really needed to go as we were now late for D10's pick up and would be late for the show if we stayed any longer. She said she wasn't ready so I waited another 15 minutes and eventually told her if she wasn't ready, I would leave without her. She shouted she didn't want to go anyway and I left - D10's tutoring had finished 15 mins ago and it would take me 15 mins to get there and the show (1.5 hours away) started in 1.5 hours. I called my MIL in a panic and asked her what I should do (go back for D13 and miss the show, or take D10 to the show without D13). My MIL said she would come by and look after D13 as D10 was really looking forward to watching the show (it was the Harry Potter stage play). D13 hasn't spoken to me since, though to be honest, she has been able to avoid me by staying at her dads or my MILs. She also does not eat at home - she doesn't want to be around me, so sits in her room and refuses to join in on meal times. She sneaks down when I am in the shower or running an errand and grabs whatever she can (snacks, fruit etc) but she has lost a lot of weight. I have told H that I think it is better she stay with him when he is around so at least she is not starving herself. I am not sure what to do - do I let her continue to stay with her dad (and avoid me) or do I tell him to stop enabling her avoidance?
H has been OK throughout, though he has taken her side on a lot of things - he keeps coming back and having a go at me for silly things like not getting her the food she likes (pretty hard when she won't tell me what she wants and she won't go to the shops with me) or allowing her room to get into a state (she screams when I go in there or if I move anything). He also says I haven't apologised or made any effort, but both of these are difficult when she is never here, she won't talk to me when she is or she tells me to 'shut up' when I try and talk to her.
It reminds me of how he was immediately post BD - though when he did talk, it was with venom, and because it is like BD, I guess my coping strategies have evolved. I am friendly and chatty when I do see her, though I don't get much of a response, and I am not challenging her choices to stay in her room or stay at her dads. I try and control my moods when she is rude or dismissive of me. Because I don't react H thinks I am emotionally detached from her, but I don't know how else to react. I ask a question like "Hi honey, how was your day" and I get no response, so I turn and ask D10 the same question (who has probably run across the room to give me a cuddle).
On the house front, things are on hold until the coronavirus thing settles down. Not much chance of viewings during a pandemic. Ditto on the mediation. He seems to be content with waiting - he has many times said he doesn't want to sell the house and has even offered to swap (i.e. he takes the house and I move out), though this will never work because he simply can't afford it, so suspect it was a guttural response to my saying that I can't afford to keep it. He back tracked quickly when I said I would be happy with him moving in.
We are coping well with co-parenting during lock down, mainly because I have worked around him (as usual). He wants the kids more and I have let him. It works for me given I am still working, but I do miss them and hope that my standing aside does not come across to them as I don't want them. I hope he is framing things in a way that doesn't suggest I don't want them.
Anyway, that's my update. I have read most of the threads I follow and will respond at some point today.
Hope everyone is keeping well, safe and sane in this crazy time. If there is one thing I've learned, it is that this too will pass.
