Journalling. Lockdown came here, though we are allowed out to exercise daily, hope that continues. It's kind of a relief TBH. H went to our other house as he can't work at the office any more and has no wifi in his house (and struggles getting food there). I think he was petrified of getting the virus due to his health problems. Anyway, I think he will be there for quite a while, I told him to take his passport and lots of clothes as it might be a while before he gets back. In the midst of this virus panic his work politics have got even more toxic and he thinks he might be out of a job shortly. He didn't want to talk about it so I left him be. We will be much worse off financially but hopefully still comfortable. Maybe I should have divorced him earlier! He must be stressed out of his mind with the work stuff, the virus stuff and his health stuff. I feel so sorry for him. I'm glad he's safe at our other house though and hope he can get some peace going out walking somewhere scenic. I wish I could go there, not to see him but because I usually go there most weeks and miss it. It might be a while before I can go there now. It might also be a while before H gets to see the kids. He usually does stuff with them and goes places and none of that is possible now but I'm not sure he has the capacity to see the kids anyway right now. I saw him on Sunday and he was unbelievably snappy but I could tell he was super stressed and didn't take it personally. He texted afterwards to apologise for being so irritable, which is unusual.
Anyway, enough about H, I can't do anything for him and feel very detached from him, I mostly feel anxiety about what his job means for my financial future really. I have zero expectations of R. I'm not sure I want this broken pathetic man back anyway. But I can't date! I can't even date online as my phone is connected to our icloud and all our finances are joint so he can see everything I do. No hurry I suppose, though I am looking forward to a future with someone who can give me what I need. In the meantime I'm getting on with things at home, doing a bit of work (it's not really paid right now but at least it contributes to the world), exercising and eating healthily and trying to keep the kids from spending every second online in their bedrooms. Life is calm and peaceful and I'm staying in touch with friends. Luckily I'm used to working from home and spending plenty of time alone. My garden is not quite finished due to virus-unrelated stuff so I am a bit anxious about getting it done so we can spend time outdoors, but nothing I can do about that.
I had a funny thought: since BD many of our spouses have treated us like we have an infectious disease, now everyone else knows how that feels! And we can take it less personally! So funny Hope everyone is well and staying healthy.
Hope everyone is well and staying healthy. 