Sandi, quick question. I was reading over your WW threads and saw that you tried to get your LBH to go to MC with you, in which he declined. Are you saying that I should be doing that? My W agreed to go to MC for 3 straight weeks at the beginning of this, however, the board kept telling me to stop since she was in contact with the AP.
IMHO, MC will not be successful as long as she is contacting OM. You seem to want to distinguish her "seeing" OM from her "contacting" him. Here's the problem. Affairs of any type are addictive, so whenever OM contacts her she gets a significant buzz from it. She wants more & more contact, and if she can't be with him physically, she'll take whatever contact she can get. If they stopped seeing each other physically, she would still be just as addicted through hearing his voice over the phone, reading emails, camera shots, etc. It's crazy! If you're trying to sooth some of your pain by saying they are forced apart due to the virus situation and she's not actually seeing him.......you are fooling yourself. Nothing has changed in her feelings for him, and the affair continues on.
At various times, we have actually had a couple other WW's on the board, to admit they went to MC. However, they were still contacting their OM at the time, so the MC was unsuccessful. It's the wayward mindset, the addiction to the affair, and her not seriously caring to save her M...... that causes the barrier in MC. It's not enough just for her agree to MC after she's gone NC, she has to actually cooperate in attending, and to participate. Yes, MC can be one of your terms in reconciling, but don't plan attending before she's gets through the major withdrawals. Don't wait on her to say when to go or to find the MC, b/c you will be driving that vehicle, and when time comes, I'll tell you more about it.
To answer your question about my sitch, yes I asked my H to attend MC with me, and he did refuse without batting an eye. Here's the thing, I was the WW, but I had found the DB board and was receiving very wise mentoring. Back then, the board members could email each other, so I was getting more advice than it may appear at surface level. I was the one receiving the tools, not my H. He is extremely private, so I wasn't surprised. As the betrayed H, he had the right to refuse. He had made the comment that he had done nothing wrong, so that pretty much speaks for itself. Like I've told you, the wayward spouse is in no position to make demands of the betrayed spouse. It's up to the LBS to call the shots.
BTW, I want to add something else about MC. I am astonished at the lack of knowledge some of them have about the mindset of WW's. That's one reason I am always cautioning the LBH about his selection, b/c a bad MC can be worse than never seeing one, IMHO. There are some bad ones out there, as well as IC's.
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She texted multiple times this morning which I ignored. Then this afternoon she texted asking our D was. I waited 45 min and texted "she's good" and there was no other correspondence. Honestly, knowing my W, she will now ignore me because that is what I have been doing. She is always trying to manipulate me/situations.
Yep, and IMHO, the whole thing about asking how their child is, when in the care of the other parent........is usually not as sincere as a normal person would assume. I mean, she has ulterior motives. Unless the child has been ill, why all of a sudden does she become such a devoted, concerned mother? Does she not trust you to take proper care of D2? She should have thought about that when she chose to engage in an affair. No, I'm not suggesting you punish her by withholding contact with her child, I'm just pointing out a tragic, but common truth in WW's. They love their kids, but they're not top priority when WW is in an affair, and the WW will use kids as pawns, if need be.
I'll talk to you tomorrow. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
