So this is the only thing I should continue to say to her until she is willing to reconcile? I won't mention not contacting me throughout the day? Just stick to not being in a 3 person marriage?
Okay, let's back up, and start over, b/c the confusion is getting worse. I apologize. I'm trying to put too much at one time in and writing too long posts. I'm sure my writing style would have anyone's head spinning by now.
Let's start over here: Since you haven't verbally told her these 3 things listed, then go ahead and email it. This is where you currently stand with her contacting you, coming to your home, and/or wanting help financially or otherwise. I see your point in calling them "boundaries". In the viewpoint, I can agree.
At some point in time, you might see where you need to revise that list, where she contacts you or if there was an emergency........I mean, with this scary virus, you don't know. But for now, this is where you stand on those these 3 subjects.
I just want to explain that those 3 three things on the list, are not a prerequisite for reconciliation. Those 3 things are not moral issues standing in the way of this marriage reconciling. I'm not telling you it is wrong to email her the list. I am in favor of everything you've said on the list.
She is not even ready to calmly and humbly talk about reconciling. She's not even remorseful. So, I wouldn't even bring up the subject of reconciling. You've also verbally told her she would have to go NC with OM (however you said it). Right? It is a moral issue, with life long consequences. Perhaps it is a religious based issue for you, as well. Either way, there has been a serious breach of trust and if her actions continue, the MR will be in ruins. Whether or not you can forgive her is not the first determining factor when considering a reconciliation. The first determining factor, IMHO, will be her actions. Will she cease her immoral conduct, or will she continue down that path? Whichever way she chooses, you know you will never revise or compromise this particular, life long boundary on this one issue, b/c of your own moral values. Does this make sense?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
