MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Good morning, DnJ! I guess you are probably overseas. I am in USA. Yes, the streets are much less crowded now. I hope your work is safe wherever you have to go.

I appreciate you continuing to check-in. It was strange today. My spouse works from home too and since we are all "sheltering in place," I was able to hear him laughing with our D and later chatting with our S. He never really distanced himself from them. I'm glad of that, but then my mind wonders if he is doing these things even more so that if he asks for a D, he can file for full custody. Even though our kids are older, he'd want full custody of our D.

He is a great dad. Always has been and I know he would make sure our D is first, but if he keeps going down this MLC rabbit hole, I can't allow that. I will fight for my kids. At first, I thought I would let him be with them and I'd take the secondary role, but I just can't.

They are my kids too and I want to be there every day. I want to see them and share whatever small victories or big challenges they face. I am not as fun or as funny... although I used to be. But I am their mom and I want to have a say in how they deal with life. I believe my D needs her mother's guidance and love. It's not as light, I know. I am working on that. I used to be lighter and freer.

I have lost a lot of that. I think I was going through my own midlife transition in the past few years. Looking back, I can see how some of the criticisms my H and kids were saying about how my tone wasn't very welcoming or the arguments I'd raise just pushed them away. I didn't have an affair and I didn't spend lots of money, but I do think I'd gone down some kind of rabbit hole myself.

I let myself go both physically and emotionally. Like I just couldn't face myself or my life. Then I got laid off and it got worse. I would watch mindless shows for hours. I wouldn't really go to the gym. I'd eat junk like a teenager and really not pay too much attention to anyone. I tried, but I found myself withdrawing and feeling sorry for myself that I had to find another job "again."

Or it could just be common anxiety and depression which I've experienced throughout my life. I want to stop that cycle now.

I realized too that I have wanted someone to take care of me. To tell me that they would always be there for me. I thought my H was it. He always had been and then all of a sudden he's confused, he's unhappy. He loves me, but not in love with me. He felt a connection which he can't explain with our friend and had the EA/PA.

Even though he's not in contact with her, I think he's in limerence and coming out of the fog. So he's dealing with that loss. And I am dealing with the death of my old M. Trying to come to grips that it will never be what we promised to each other and what I believe we had.

So I am doing what Heartsblessing said... what you all are saying. I am looking within and trying to see who I want to be now. What I'd do now that I have to focus on me.

I still feel awkward around him. I can't look at him in the eye this morning. After seeing his anger/disgust/disdain yesterday... I just don't want to see that and hurt myself. When I went to the kitchen t his morning to get coffee, I said good morning, but didn't look at him.

Is it supposed to be so awkward? Is it supposed to be so hard to be kind, pleasant, and accepting? I want to treat him like any other roommate. I want to be able to look at him and just be courteous, pleasant and caring. Not like someone I am afraid of... someone who may hurt me with his eyes or uncaring words.

I know, detach... detach... detach. It's hard to pretend I'm ok with all this. I'm not. I don't want to feel like I'm the bane of his existence.

But there it is. I'm not. I'm actually making him the bane of mine by putting that thought in my head. I need to let him be who he is. If he's unhappy with life or even with me, that's his right. I have to look at him with compassion. I have to be with him without judgment, fear or expectation.

Well hmmm... I am wondering now how I can pull that off. If I can do that with him, I can learn to do that with others and wouldn't that be freeing?

Something to think about... Happy Tuesday!