I devoured everything I could as well. We all require a certain amount of understanding to be able to let go.
Thing is, understand and acceptance, those answers come best when you are calm. Sit quietly and the answers will present themselves. Dig for patience. You’ve got time.
Originally Posted by Believe6
Why do I find myself thinking and thinking about what i should be doing differently to reach him?
Be patient.
You need to focus on you, and give him space and time. By all means you can talk to him, just no pressure. Let him lead things.
H has to walk his path. This is his crisis and his journey. Do not manipulate it.
There really isn’t anything you can do to speed him up. Most efforts by the LBS prolongs things; at best our efforts are neutral.
Manipulating the MLCer’s path is troublesome. When we start to manipulate we start taking ownership and responsibility of the MLCer’s path and the crisis’s outcome. You do not want that! The less steering you, the less regrets you will have.
If you actually do interrupt his journey, he will resume it later and it will be much worse the second time around. They need to get through this crisis, on their time.
None of us know what our MLCer spouse is struggling with, so we do not know if our efforts are working for or against their progress. A seemly good intentioned action could push him right out the door. Let him lead his journey.
When he talks to you, validate.
At times he will push your buttons, do not get caught up in an argument, no matter how stupid or obviously wrong what he says is. You’ve seen his anger and contempt. He is projecting upon you. He will look to get you to argue with him, to justify his feelings, so he can blame you. Don’t take the bait. Dig for patience.
(My XW blamed me for the furnace vent blowing air on her. Among a great many other things. SMH. )
Focus on you. Very wise advice. It helps with finding detachment. It also let’s H be on his own, and hopeful realize the Believe6 isn’t interacting and yet he is still angry, sad, upset, etc. - so it can’t be her fault. Then maybe, just maybe, he looks elsewhere... maybe even inside himself.
Only H can change his direction. Only H can control H.
Nothing you do matters and everything you do does.
That paradoxical statement is how one reaches a MLCer. We focus on ourselves and our kids. We heal. Let go. Find our beliefs. Strengthen and alter them. Choose better instead of bitter. Live in the light.
You reach H by becoming the best version of you, you can be. You become a lighthouse.
And you do it all for you.
That last statement is the big one. Everything you do is for you. You are the most important person in this equation. Be a woman only a fool would leave. The rest is up to H.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
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