MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Grace, thank you so much. I have been sitting here holding my rosary. Wanting to pray. Wanting that peace that just comes from doing something repetitive... the rosary has become my meditation.

For the past 8 days, I have said a rosary for the AP and her family. Her spouse doesn't know and I think she is trying to save her marriage. Although she said in one communication with me months ago that she was getting separated, but I drive by her house every day (at least I did) because of dropping D off at her activity. I would see her car and his truck. Anyway, that doesn't mean they aren't separated, but either way, I know she didn't tell him because I asked her not to her H had an affair years ago and she stayed. I told her why tell him now if she isn't sure what he'd do? I don't want her H coming after my family. So she promised she'd tell me. Now she could be a liar, after all she was a friend and lied with my H about this. But I believe she didn't tell her H. So I am praying for their marriage. That if at least their marriage can weather this storm (even if her H doesn't know) then maybe, in my own selfish mind, she won't be coming after my H. I think he would do even crazier things if she did reach back out to him. He wasn't "in love" with her but he says they had a connection that he can't explain.

Part of how he described the affair made me think that he was caught up in the dopamine high. But then, after reading so much about MLC and his comments about wanting to "run away" and "be a hermit" totally reminds me of some of the posts others have shared that Jim Conway says in his book. That the MLCer wants to go off to a desert island.

My H says he doesn't even know if he would want to be with anyone. He just wants to be alone. As I've stated before, I don't think he is in contact with AP. I really don't or this could be worse. Maybe he is and I'm just delusional.

But I am trying to focus on me. Why is that so hard? Why do I find myself thinking and thinking about what i should be doing differently to reach him? I am now almost addicted to this and another MLC board. I am reading so much and devouring everything I can. I have so many forum tabs open. It's like I am still in denial that this is happening. Or maybe because I am someone who needs to be connected, I am looking for connection... I have to be patient with myself. At least I am not hounding him or checking his accounts. That's a win, right?