I am so sorry you have a reason to be here. I'm sorry you are hurting. Please continue to write. Journal. Ask questions. Read other threads.
Your emotions are all over the place, and will continue to be. DnJ is correct when he says so many of them are rooted in fear. It took me a long time to let go of that fear, and to detach. I'm 1 1/2 years now with H out of the house and doing well, but I still regress from time to time. It's normal. Don't beat yourself up about it.
You can't control H's moods or actions. But you can choose to not let them be about you. You will hear a lot of advice here about focusing on You. Make this journey about you. Focus on your interviews, exercise, cook, read a good book, meditate, start a new craft. Whatever it is that you want to do. Do it. Take one day at a time. Sometimes we have to take one hour at a time.
Let the answers to your questions come to you. They are often elusive if we chase them.
