MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Thanks, Job! But I screwed up. I went downstairs to his office and asked if we could talk sometime. He said sure, but not about this. I am not even sure if he means "this" like the fact that he blocked me from the tracker or "this" like about us or even "this" like the things he thinks about me that are negative.

I know I should back off. He's completely still in MLC land. He switches from seemingly ok to having these assumptions about me and what I'm doing.

He stopped in a few minutes ago while I was applying for a job to get his vitamins. He takes them various times of the day because he needs to take 2 or 3 times a day so he's diligent about spreading it out. And he asks how my interviews are going. I admit I haven't heard anything. Which I haven't. I have a virtual one set up for Wendesday and I am so nervous. It's the job I really want. I know I need to clean up my internal energy so I can get that one.

But my heart and soul are in turmoil. How can I be anything but terrified of so many things right now? I wan this job. I need it. I have worked hard all my life and keep getting laid off, but I know it's not my work ethic or my abilities. I am hoping I'm not missing something and somehow I'm really messed up in my interactions and that's why I keep getting laid off.

There's a huge part that just wishes my life were over. I know that's going against positive thinking, but I am so very lost. I know that we aren't supposed to say that either. We are supposed to say we are finding ourselves or the positive version. That what we think about we bring about... blah blah... I have been doing that for years and I keep getting what I keep getting. Maybe I need a new brain or something.

I am running in circles now.

So here's what I think... when he looked at me, I could see such contempt. I could see him being angry even though he won't admit that he is. He hates anger and says he never gets angry. Our MC asked him if he is really looking at that. I know he won't. He avoids things that he doesn't want to deal with. I think that's why he's actually ok that we are awkward. It's like now he has an excuse to keep me at bay.

I think he is waiting until I get a job to tell me he really wants out. I am trying so hard not to give him that excuse. I am trying to show him I can be the wife he remembers and needs. I know that right now he doesn't want a wife. I know he doesn't even want a friend. He doesn't seem to want any friends. He seems to want to be a hermit and that he would be ok with that. What happened to the happy, social, so very loving and affectionate guy that he was? Where did he go?

When he was still trying a month and a half ago, he was still affectionate. He still said he loved me. Would this have happened to us if I didn't push him to commit? Or was this just waiting because he was already in MLC land and he was spinning? It's baffling and terrifying and so very painful. I just want this to stop.

I finally told my mom (who told my dad because he was listening in) that my marriage is in trouble. I told my mom I didn't trust her because she tends to share secrets with so many people. I didn't tell her about the affair or what he's been doing to me- pushing me away, not wanting to talk, etc. I just needed my mommy. She apologized for not being there for me when I was younger because she was trying to deal with her own abandonment issues (war baby, never met dad until she was 48 as he didn't claim her--- long story). She said she's been holding me in her mind now and that she loves me and is there for me. She surprised me by telling me no matter what happens I will be fine. We're Catholic so I was waiting for her to tell me divorce is a sin and blah... But she didn't. She said she's worried that I've carried the guilt of my prior marriage (which was annulled) to an alcoholic. She's worried that I have not been supported enough and loved enough.

She's a wise soul and has sage advice even if she tends to not be good at secrets. She even said I could move home if I needed to. But how? I can't leave my kids. Not when it's S last year and my D still has 3 more in High School. No, I need to stay. I need to fight for my kids and my own sanity.

I need to find a way to be strong through each torturous moment. Until I find a way that each moment is no longer torture but a way to build my future. This life of a LBS of an MLCer is so very very lonely. So bitterly hard and sad. I am trying and I feel I am failing. But I will get up again. I can only force that one action then I guess I win.