Regarding your self respect. You have core values, spiritual/moral integrity, principles & standards, by which you conduct your life. Where would you draw the line in tolerating a complete lack of respect? More especially, disrespect from your W? Are there boundaries in place?
Not specifically. There's nothing I've verbalized to her or anything. I would not just put up, with anything and everything, however, I am not sure of exactly what my limits are.
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So, no matter what your W may do, you would remain committed to the marriage? If she brought another man into your home for the purpose of fortification right under your nose, and she mocked you for being lousy in bed, dragged your name through the mud, refused to ever be intimate with you again.........or a number of other horrible things she could do to destroy you, it wouldn't change your decision to remain committed? If she leaves you and marries another man, you will live out the rest of your life alone, without a sexual companion, committed to the vows you made. Right?
No, not no matter what she would do. My faith certainly allows for moving beyond such a situations, or situations. Do I think I could forgive her and work on the marriage if she had an affair? Yes, I do. Would I still bother trying, or want, to work on things if she and she got remarried (something she has said she would never do again - not that it means much) or into a serious relationship with someone else? No. If she wanted to do crazy things with other guys and just rub my face in it, and belittle me, no, I would not remain committed. I would feel freed from my vows in those instances.
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Would you say your W is as strong in her faith as you are? Have you seen any changes in her that would make you question it?
No, not at all. She definitely does not share faith the way I do. She has "beliefs" but I'm not really clear on what they are at this point. Whatever they are, they don't seem to have any impact on her actions or principles.
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You mean talk to her about it? And if she refused to do the right thing, then what is the next step for the H?
I don't know. I suppose it would depend on what it was and the severity of it. If it was things like you mentioned above, then I would probably need to separate myself from her in every way possible.
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I'm not sure either, but it could be that she is waiting on something else to happen, that doesn't have anything to do with you directly. I believe when a woman says she is done and wants a divorce......yet, she continues to remain legally M to her H, she is benefiting in some kind of fashion. She either receives financial, physical, or emotional support.......or she's holding back due to the probable criticism and lack of support from family & friends when they discover her intentions. I think the latter applies especially when there has been a strong religious foundation while growing up, and probably more so in "traditional" families, (as they are referred to by modern times). But, it's JMHO. I apologize for my short term memory today, but does she have a close relationship with her parents, and are they strong in living Christian lives?
Well, she's not really continuing to remain legally married, since she filed. Her family is aware, at least her sisters and other daughter are. I'm not sure about her mom, but I would guess she has told her at this point.
She has a pretty good relationship with her mother, but an almost non-existent one with her father. This is despite her father living in the same house as her mother. Her mother has zero relationship with her father either, and tries to avoid him as much as possible (she would not do family things, like our wedding, or family photos if he was there - he was not). If he calls her, she tries to get him off the phone almost immediately (and he usually just keeps talking with her saying over and over, "Okay, bye"). The best I can say about her relationship with her dad is that she takes him a sandwich for his birthday or father's day.
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It must be agonizing, trying to figure out what's going on with her. I have seen a few cases where a W would leave her H without any warning or explanation. In those particular cases, the W would move off and the H would not hear from her again. However, in each case, there was not a child born into the marriage. They were usually couples going through second marriages as older adults, and some had children from previous MR's or the kids were grown and living off somewhere. I remember how sad I felt for these LBH's, b/c in a couple of cases, the walk away wife left no address or phone number for contact. Anyway, I only tell you about them, in case you see any comparison, plus having a small child together will, hopefully, be a link to her.
It has been agonizing, but I think I'm mostly over that. Now, when she does something that makes no sense (like getting into bed with me when our daughter wants me, instead of sleeping in the spare room - she sleeps with our daughter, which is already strange enough), I just shake my head. Though yesterday I had to chuckle when she scolded our daughter for changing her mind on something. I was like...she's 2, and you're holding her to a standard far greater than you hold yourself. I had to walk away before I did that, though.
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I encourage you to rest in your faith, and pray for your W. Also, pray that God will reveal anything you may need to change in yourself. I'm sure you have already been fervently praying. It's difficult for some of us to let go and put our loved ones in God's hands. At the moment, I don't know much more to suggest, except to follow the book, Divorce Remedy.......and use the 37 rules as guidelines. Don't take it to mean I think you should give up and stop posting. We are on Captain N's team, and will try to give emotional support and/or share out thoughts as long as you are here. ((hugs))
Thanks, it's appreciated. The biggest positive from all of this has been a renewed vigor I have for my faith. It's not the only one though, as I am definitely allowing myself to resurface after a few years of kind of just allowing her to mold me into the person she doesn't seem to like.
